Keith Reviews . . .

Shoes in Clubs

2008-10-30T10:52:00.004Z

This taboo recently came up in a discussion, and I’ve decided that the majority’s view that "it’s sometimes a good idea" is completely and utterly wrong.

Any venue, whether it be a pub or a club, that makes you wear shoes or they won't let you in, is somewhere I really don't want to be. If you ever see me in one, you'll know I have been arguing the point about not going in, accidently worn shoes out for some bizarre reason, am with work, or I am somewhere that has absolutely no where else that serves alcohol and I am in need of a drink (like Milton Keynes)

I think the point (and correct me if I’m wrong) about having to wear shoes into a place is to keep out people who might cause trouble. This is a massive fucking mistake, with many glaring omissions.

Let’s think about this logically. You're a trouble maker, you like going out at the weekend and getting boozed up and fighting. You go out one night and find you can't get in anywhere wearing your trainers, so either
a) You go home and put some shoes on
b) You remember that going out and not getting a drink because you're not wearing shoes sucks, and put shoes on the next night, or the next weekend, or whenever,
- This means you are now in shoes, and you can get in anywhere because you're wearing shoes, and you can drink, so you can now fight.

How does not wearing shoes stop (even the minority) of people who want to cause trouble? Not one iota. I mean, its not even like we live in a place where prior knowledge doesn’t exists, a friend, colleague, family member will probably tell you that you should wear shoes if you are going to certain places, its not rocket science.

Then, there's the other thing that people will say when you come up flawless argument that "wearing shoes doesn’t ensure you're not going to cause trouble" or something a bit more eloquent, bitter, or knowing dependent on your mood and who you're talking too.
They tell you it makes the place classier. They say it makes it a better standard of place. What? Really? It means it’s a better standard of place, because everyone is wearing shoes? When has this theory ever worked? In posh bars and clubs, maybe somewhere like Claridges, but in Kingston, I very much doubt that wearing shoes would make any of those places classier. Oceana in Milton Keynes, you have to wear shoes in there, doesn’t make it classy. There will just be people in jeans, t-shirts and shoes running around drunk and fighting, as they would do if they were in trainers.

Two things that annoy me even more about ‘shoe only’ venues are that the only places you can't get in if they have a no shoe rule and you're wearing converse or keds or something,

1) Are places where there are always fights, or regularly fights, or occasionally fights, which is why they bought in their stupid motherfucking rule
2) Have Bouncers,

The bouncer’s one really pisses me off. Really, them telling you that "no shoes allowed" is just the same as them telling you "not tonight son" because they don't like the look of you. The whole point with bouncers is they can let in and turn away who the hell they want. If you look like trouble, they shouldn’t let you in, if you look like trouble in trainers, you're gonna look like trouble in shoes. I'm pretty sure a bouncer will know the score but they hide behind their shoe policy. It’s a fucking joke.

Big Bouncer = Scary

Ghosts

2008-10-28T15:47:00.007Z

They're fucking bullshit

"Most Haunted" team.....fucking idiots

I was going to write something lengthy about there being no god, no life after death, no souls roaming the earth, then I got I bit bored and quite down and miserable, thinking about such a morbid subject. Its not the kind of thing to write about on a dull afternoon. I’ll end up listening to some emo and dying my hair black or something equally pathetic.

So, to summise, I am a bit bored, I don’t think ghosts exist, anyone who says they’ve seen a ghost is a fucking idiot.

Derek Acorah - Massive Cunt

People who don’t sit down when there’s a space on the tube.

2008-10-28T15:36:00.001Z

You are all massive cunts. You are the scourge of commuters everywhere, you stand there in the middle of the aisle, and when people get up from their seats and get off the tube, you don’t take their seat. If you don’t want to sit down, don’t stand in the middle of the fucking carriage between the seats. You are blocking the way for people like me who deliberately stand there to get seats. Nine times out of ten you’ll be blocking someone who’s been on the tube for more than two stops, and because of your ignorant, stupid, fucking childish blocking tactics, mean someone who’s just got on the tube gets a seat.

You all know it’s true. You get on, some douche moves down the carriage between the seats, you’re there, doing the same as you always do, eyeing up people to see if they pick up their bag, fold up their newspaper, put in a bookmark of some sorts in their novel and wait to pounce on the spare seat as soon as it’s vacated. But there’s someone in a better position to take the seat than you, it would be futile, rude even, to try to squeeze your butt into the space, so you resign yourself to standing till someone else in your vicinity gets off, and hope you are in a decent enough position to take their space. It’s like musical chairs, only no one gets a fun prize at the end.

No, not again, I mean, what the fuck, the seat is still empty, the douche in front of you hasn’t taken it, maybe its ok to push past to get there, oh fuck no, some fucker has just walked on, and is totally going to beat me to the seat, they’ve got the forward momentum from entering the tube, they’ve got a clear route to the seat, people are aware of their movement, people have seen the space. This isn’t fair, it should be my seat, I’ve been waiting for three stops to get a seat, and now I’m blocked by someone who doesn’t even want a seat, how did I get in this position, standing behind some fucker who should be standing well out of the way of people like me, people who want to sit the fuck down on the tube in the morning. You absolute bastard.

Why do you stand there if you don’t want a seat? Do you do it to annoy people like me, people who want a seat? Or are you just really really really fucking ignorant, dumb, retarded, stupid, or do you honestly think you are doing the right thing by moving down? Reality check, you are not, get the fuck out of my way before I do something you’ll regret.

I tell you what as well, I bet these people, the fucking pricks that don’t want to sit down (its 75% male as well, for some reason, women will get into catfights for seats whereas men don’t really want it as badly), I bet they are the assholes that stand on the left hand side of the escalator, so as to block me from moving up and down freely rather than the confines of the speed of the elevator. I bet they’re the ones who walk the wrong way through the underground between tubes, and stop suddenly to work out what line they need to take, so as to make me walk into them and apologise because I’m too fucking polite or tired or hung-over to bother with being rude. I bet they walk really really slowly down the stairs or between tubes and when you walk fast past them, they tut, sigh or complain, the ones that when you get off the tube and can see the tube you want to get waiting on the other platform make sure they walk as slow as possible so you look like a cunt by pushing past to get on the tube only for either
a) It to leave before you get there so you look like a bigger arsehole
b) It doesn’t leave for ages and you look like a massive bellend when you get on, having rushed and everyone on the carriage thinks you are a tool for rushing and smiling thinking “good, made it, I don’t have to wait another two minutes for another tube”

Plus, I reckon these cunts are the ones that, if they decided to cycle anywhere, would do it in the dark, without a helmet or hi vis clothing or lights and bike on the pavement because they think its ‘safer’. Safer for who asshole? You? Put a fucking helmet on, buy some lights and get on the fucking road, asshole.
Actually, just get the fuck out of London, you’re ruining it for the rest of us.

Eating Out

2008-09-15T11:18:00.003+01:00

I don’t do it a lot it seems. Everyone else I know seems to go for lunch or dinner at least once or twice a week but it seems foreign and strange to me. Thing is, I’ve found in the last few weeks, its not exactly as glamorous or fun as it sounds; “going for lunch” or “grabbing some dinner” or however you want to communicate the fact you are going to pay for someone to cook food or you.

Now, normally if I go out for a meal of any sort its either planned well in advance, or somewhere I know I’ll get either a decent meal, or a quality plate of food whether its because someone I trust has told me its good, or its somewhere I’ve been before and deemed good enough to return to. Thing is, working in London and going out with colleagues, there isn’t the planning or thought process that goes into it, it’s a “lets go there, it was alright” or “I heard this place was alright”
See, no one ever says “good” or “excellent” when you’re going for lunch, its always “alright” which should be the first sign that what you are going to get is not going to be very good.

My most recently I went out for lunch in Ealing at a café/restaurant called Carluccios
It looked nice, and did pasta, breads, antipasti and a few simple main courses. No Pizza for an Italian place though which was very odd. I've decided that they are idiots who didn’t fork out for a proper oven which is something I don’t understand, pizza has a high margin, is simple to make, with easy to change toppings keeping the menu fresh and is a decent seller. Missing out on Pizza for an Italian Restuarant...big mistake.

As I don’t like pasta (I know, I’m weird) I decided to eat a main course, I only had 4 to choose from. It was steak, chicken, fish or veal, not exactly what I’d call an extensive menu. I try not to eat steak when I’m out, as I’m quite particular in the way its cooked and how good a quality the meat is in the first place, currently my favourite butchers is F Godfrey in Highbury and they do amazing meat, the Sirloins I bought from there were phenomenal.
I digress, I chose the fish. Pan fried sea bass with sautéed rosemary potatoes and tomato salsa/sauce (I forget exactly what it was on the menu)

Now, first up, I’d expect a bit of style on display from an Italian kitchen, maybe a bit of flair. I’m used to chain restaurants standards of Italian, such as Strada (I know for a fact Ramsay has easten at one and not complained) and even they can put a plate of food together.
I watch a fair few cookery shows too, and I tell you what, just the standard of display on my dish wouldn’t have got past the invention test on regular MasterChef, let alone MasterChef: the Professionals. Here’s an artists impression of how it was laid out

Three separate things on the plate, not touching each other, it was like they plopped on the fish, put on what equated to three new potatoes sliced in half, and finally some tomotoey thing in a lump. It was a disaster of a display that I haven’t seen in a restaurant for a long long time. Even Wetherspoons could have displayed the food better.
Presentation was not the only problem, it wasn’t so much a fillet of sea bass, it was a whole half a side of Sea Bass, and it was a little thin for my liking. Fish should be served with the skin side up, but this wasn’t, it was flesh side up. I know I was getting a whole piece of fish, but it looked tatty, the chef hadn’t taken any care over the dish, and the varying levels of thickness meant the outer edge looked very dry

To some extent, you do eat with your eyes and I was not impressed with what I was seeing, and hoped the flavour would sort it out, that I could have a mouthful of potato, tomato and fish and it would be nice. I wasn’t expecting the world, just decent ingredients, well seasoned and cooked to a decent standard.

So, before putting it all in one mouthful I thought I’d try the individual components. The potatoes had no rosemary taste at all, there was a tiny leaf I found, but that was it, they were overly garlicy which was all you could taste and looked like they had been boiled a few days ago, microwaved for me and then thrown on my plate with a dash of olive oil. They were rubbery and luke warm. Not very nice at all.
The tomato thing, well, it was all skin, it was dry and you couldn’t taste the basil that looked like it was in there. Included were cherry tomatoes and what looked like plum and sun dried, all kind of dumped on my plate and it was just bad. It was stiff and dry and all skin. Not nice tasting and difficult to cut up, it was also very oily.

Then to the main ingredient, the Sea Bass. They may have pan fried the fish, but it looked as though they had suffocated it in flour first, and cooked some of it flesh side down, making the flesh side crispier than the skin side. It was a disaster. Its been a few weeks since I went, and now I’m finishing writing this blog up I’m still shocked when I remember how terrible the food was at the place. For the money, I could have cooked that dish for three people easily, and cooked it to a far higher standard and presented it in a much more attractive, appetising way. That’s why I don’t like eating out, and why I will always expect the worst and why I’d much rather stay at home and spend my money on quality ingredients than paying for some useless bastard to cook shitty food for me.

So, don't eat at Carluccios (any of them, they're a small chain), they don't deserve your money

Fit and Healthy People

2008-08-29T15:20:00.003+01:00

Fucking annoying, aren’t they? I’m not talking about someone like Gillian McKeith, as she’s healthy, and continues to tell us how fucking healthy she is. I’m also not talking about “insert name of really hot girl” as they are fit in a “she’s well fit” way. I doubt either of them could do a Triathlon, hey; I doubt either of them could do a 10km run without passing out from exhaustion half way through.

What I’m talking about is people who can do Triathlons, can do 10km runs just because they have a spare hour in the evening, people who are training for a Half or Full Marathon, people who live in the gym and have big guns and ripped abs. They annoy the shit out of me.

To go back to where my views on all this started, we have to rewind a few years.
Fat Keith, over 16 ½ Stone, read an article in some lads mag which was written by another fat guy. He wrote that he used to be a health and fitness coach, and a freakily fit man, abs, guns, the lot, and he realised that he was spending way too much time getting fit, and all the rest of his time talking about calories, how great his abs were, what protein shakes he used, how fast he could run 10km and all other manner of anal banality. He realised how everyone he surrounded himself with was the same, a fitness freak talking about the same stuff, and how he alienated himself from his friends because of this, and how they were bored of him, some hating his smug sense of self satisfaction. So, he stopped, let himself go, and said he has never been happier.

I read this article and thought, yeah, I’m overweight, but at least I’m not boring, I’m funny, got great friends, so what if I’m not fit.

What I’m gonna take you through now is what the once fit now fat bloke’s thesis was on how the slippery slope works.
Thing is, when you start out losing weight and getting fit and healthy, you don’t notice at first how you change the conversation, how your ego grows, and how things start to revolve around health and fitness because it’s initially all about weight loss.

People start talking about how much weight you’ve lost and how good you look and you tell people about how much you’ve lost and how good you feel and what you’ve done to get like that. It’s fine, as you are working hard, and deserve the credit. That’s what you think and it’s true, you’ve made an effort to turn things around and people are noticing and it helps spur you on.

Then you plateau.

Visible signs like weight don’t change and people stop talking about your weight but you are so used to getting compliments, you find ways to talk about yourself, about being fitter and healthier, like how you’ve had to buy new clothes, or how you now eat less as your stomach has shrunk. This is the phase where you can go one of two ways, continue to get fitter and healthier and “progress” or you can just slow down and be happy with where you’ve got to.
The latter is fine, people stop talking about themselves less and everyone else forgets they were ever overweight and they slot back into society and get on with things, there is maybe the occasional blip but in general, they get along just fine.

Then there’s the second lot of people, who after being overweight or unhealthy or unfit or all of the above, continue along the path to glory. These are two different sub sections of people. First comes the people who just do the whole gym/run good eating thing, then there are the people who do all that, and train for events, or just take part in them to prove that they are JUST THAT FIT. Both sub groups will still continue to talk about themselves, how much they can bench, how fast they can run, what they eat, and will continue to try and dominate the conversation by making it revolve around them and how fit and healthy they are. They start to hang around with more people like them, it’s like they have a weird gravitational pull towards each other. Maybe its because they hang around the same places, gyms, parks, cycle routes, or maybe its because they have an internal radar for other people of their ilk, I’m sure there are tell tale signs, a bit like a “gaydar”*. But they still hang around their old friends and what was once a “well done for losing weight/getting fit/whatever” will eventually turn into a “will you shut the fuck up about your fucking exercise you boring bastard, I don’t care how fucking long it take you to do 10km, you are boring the hell out of everyone stop being so self centred you absolute bastard. Now Do One”

When this happens there is only one thing that goes through the mind of the once unfit and unhealthy person, and it’s exactly the wrong thing to say, but they will ALWAYS FUCKING SAY IT
“You’re just jealous. You used to be the skinny fit and healthy one, and now I’m better than you, you cannot handle it. Fuck you, go do some exercise fatty”

That’s pretty much a friendship ender, or the start of a fist fight. Problem is, the fit one will get beaten by the unfit one because of the Crazy vs. Big Fight Law**

So….thats how it works. Watch out

Actually, you know when I said
“What I’m gonna take you through now is what the once fit now fat bloke’s thesis was on how the slippery slope works”
I was flat out 100% lying. It was nothing to do with his article, his was all fluffer and saying how great being fat is and how the pace of life being slower is great and lazyness rules. What it is, is a pretty simplistic form of what has happened to me over the last 2 years.

So I wrote
“people who can do Triathlons, can do 10km runs just because they have a spare hour in the evening, people who are training for a Half or Full Marathon, people …..they annoy the shit out of me”
because I had realised that, I’m actually one of those annoying fuckers.

I was big, very big, and I think it was best summed up by a couple of close female friends when they said it looked like I had a whole football stuck to my belly and my arse. Phenomenal. I’ve spoken about it before on here, but three things you need to remember are
Lost Car
Lost Weight
Got Fit and Healthy

I hadn’t thought about the article, or my prior fat views on fit and healthy people until recently when a couple of my friends joined me in the “health and fitness friend club”. I’m happy for them, obviously, and happy with myself, but I started thinking when one of them came over for dinner a few weeks ago that shit, when we’re together, we are really really fucking annoying, and when we’re not together, we email each other about that kind of stuff, or try to get other people to tell us how great we look or show off about how fast we can run a 10km (had to stop myself from actually typing, no, that’s another filthy lie, I actually typed how fast I ran it last week and then deleted it because I’m that fucking bad now).
I mean Christ, the newest thing that’s been happening with these new fit and healthy friends is complaining about a body flaw or lapse in regime or fitness, so we could tell each other that it was alright, and no, they were not flaws, or you can work on them and make them better. It was horrific. I would have hated to be my housemate who had lovingly cooked for us watch this absolutely disgusting display or atrociousness.

So, I can’t work out whether knowing what a fucking annoying bastard I am is better than not knowing. All I know is I’m going to try my hardest to not to be a health and fitness arsehole around my friends because it won’t be long before they all start fucking hating me

*are you still allowed to say “gaydar” or is that politically incorrect or something now? Its so confusing keeping up with things nowadays.

**No, I haven’t just made this law up, it’s a well documented law, you just may not have heard of it.
Let me ‘break it down’ for you
Crazy beats Big. Fact.
There you go, you’ve been learned. Now go back to where you were and read on, bitch.

Coco Pops

2008-05-27T16:26:00.002+01:00

I was thinking how to hold back on the opening paragraph to my review of Coco Pops, but I can’t help myself, they’re fucking awesome. But I digress, for a proper reason on why the hell I’m blogging about Coco Pops awesomeness, we need to start at the beginning.

When I was a kid, I used to have my favourite cereal every morning, however, from week to week, month to month, my favourite cereal changed. I was very fickle, coming and going with the latest fad cereals, I am pretty sure that if I was a kid today I would be demanding Cookie Crisp from my parents, who would tell me that “cookies aren’t for breakfast” and “shouting and screaming won’t help”, but back then I was a fan of Honey Nut Loops, Lucky Charms, Sugar Puffs and various other magical cereal creations.
The last time I was in a cereal aisle was a while ago, I was on the hunt for Honey Nut Loops and Lucky Charms, I went to the biggest Tesco, followed by the biggest Asda in Europe and couldn’t find them. I went on the internet and couldn’t find any where that would sell me Honey Nut Loops. I was informed by my housemate that she gets her friends to bring back packets of Lucky Charms from the US when they go home or over on Business. She also promised to bring a pack home from work so I could have a bowl and re-live my childhood, but she’s yet to deliver on the promise, much like I expect the cereal to be unable deliver on the taste and fun-ness I used to associate with it.

Although I was a massive fan of special cool cereals, my first love was Kelloggs Corn Flakes, followed by Rice Crispies and then Shreddies and finally in the top 4, Weetabix. I’d switch every 2,3,4 weeks between these ‘Top 3’ cereals. There was nothing special about any of these cereals, these were the cereals I’d continually go back to when I’d had enough of my honey loops and sugary puffs and marshmallow milk. These were, good, honest, premium quality basic cereals, what I now call the Gold Standard of Breakfast Cereals. They still sell massive amounts, Kelloggs revenue for 07 was £555m, that’s a fair amount of cereal!

What you also used to get with cereals ‘way back when’ was fresh milk from the Milkman on your doorstep, we used to get a semi skimmed, and a Gold Top which had the cream on the top, which was reserved for me. I used to think that nothing beat the top 4 cereals, topped with the cream from Gold Top and white sugar. It was most definitely the way to eat cereal in the late 80’s and early 90’s as far as I was concerned.

My love for cereal, and breakfast in general changed once I was in sixth form, and nigh on disappeared when I got to University, and followed through its nothingness past graduation. I had decided that my time was better spent in bed, sleeping, rather than eating cereal, and if I was to eat anything for breakfast it would be fruit, or toast. After graduating I was in a sales role, and with hotel breakfasts being as they are, cereal was passed and a fry up was always the order of the day.

To be honest I’d forgotten cereals existed until the new rice crispie advert came on TV
It only angered me, as you can see here. I had lost faith in cereal, just like the general public has lost faith in getting a pint of gold top delivered by a milkman in the morning. Simpler times my friends, simpler times.

Then, a few months back, something hit me in the face, hard. The fact Coco Pops were still around, and having the fuck advertised out of them, with that chimp dude and the ‘made for milk’ bullshit. But the thing that got to me was that I didn’t hate the adverts, I wasn’t compelled to blog about how much I hated the shitty adverts, all I thought was “coco pops and milk make a bowlful of fun”. Next time I went to the shops I ventured down the cereal aisle and picked up the biggest box of Coco Pops I could see. It was the first pack of cereal I had purchased in years and was good, it was big and cardboardy. I got home and opened it up, the shitty plastic cereal is held in was still there, just as annoying to open gracefully. Then, into a bowl went the coco pops and a generous helping of full fat milk. After getting the right crispy/soggy levels of cereal and the milk chocolatey, I proceeded to devour the bowl.

Normally with things you haven’t had for a while you build them up in your head as to how awesome they used to be, but they turn out to be pathetic, useless, tasteless and just a let down in general. Nothing ever really lives up to your memories expectations. I watched Thundercats again with my mate the other evening, and he got bored of it. It was that bad we had to turn it off.

But the Coco Pops were still awesome, the full fat milk wasn’t as good as gold top, but damn it was good to have tasty milk rather than semi skimmed. I have been totally converted, and now instead of having coco pops for breakfast every day, they’re a treat at weekends, mainly for when I am feeling terrible with a hangover, I’ve found coco pops and a can of coke can sort you right out! This should have led to me buying up my ‘Gold Standard’ cereals and making sure they were still awesome, but I just couldn’t cope with ruining them, either because they are not as good as they used to be, or because my tastebuds have changed over the years and they are now nowhere near as awesome as coco pops. So, to conclude, go buy some coco pops as they will make your breakfast a chocolaty milky bowl full of fun.

British Television

2008-05-02T14:14:00.023+01:00

I watch a hell of a lot of television, probably too much television. Sometimes I think about what I would do if I didn’t have Sky+ or have a computer hooked up to my TV. Probably curl up into the foetal position and rock back and forward manically crying.
Thing is, its all American TV shows I watch. There really isn’t that much on British TV that’s any good. Its disappointing really, we used to be good at making TV shows didn’t we? I suppose it’s the British way, we used to be good at lots of things, but now we just pale in comparison to our international counterparts.

So, I’ve been thinking about what British TV shows of the last couple of years have been great. What TV shows have run for more than one season, especially ones where I’ve been eagerly anticipating the second season. I couldn’t think of many. Probably due to the amount of repeats that are on. Oh, just for reference, I’m not talking about documentaries, as the British are the best in the world at documentary making, serious documentary making, none of this Moore/Spurlock crapfest.

Before I start on British TV, I’m going to head across the Atlantic and talk about shows I love that are American. There’s a lot…

Dexter – Drama / Black Comedy
I think me and my housemates watched the entire first season in a week, then realised the second season was starting in a week and kept asking each other “has Dexter started yet”. Really, a great show about a modern day vigilante serial killer, Dexter the ‘Dark Avenger’. If you don’t like the show you are probably missing some part of your brain, the part that loves great TV. The first season has finally come across the pond and is on ITV2.

American Dad / Family Guy / South Park – Comedy / Animation

There, three long running comedies that are animated, I’m not including the Simpson’s in this as they’ve been too long running and the new episodes don’t feel as special as the old ones used to. Maybe I’ve just grown up.
American Dad has gone from strength to strength; Family Guy is still great and really picked up since season 4’s dip and South Park seem to be getting away with more and more political and social issues hidden (barely) under their own stupidity and foul language. Where can we see decent, clever, witty, stupid animated sitcom in the UK? Nowhere. Really, what animated shows can we hang our hats on? Wallace and Grommit? Christ.
Impressively BBC Three are almost up to speed with American Dad, only a few episodes behind thanks to the writers strike, and are showing the Star Wars Episode on May 4th (May the Fourth be with you…lame)

How I Met Your Mother - Sitcom

Having only the first season screened over in the UK on BBC2 and Trouble, and not given the air time it deserves, this is a show no one over here seems to care about. It’s criminally under-rated especially as its sooo much better than Friends, which was massively over rated. I found it whilst whiling away a lazy Sunday afternoon and ended up downloading the whole of the first season and watching it over two days when I was ill. Maybe it will start getting some airplay over here as it’s been much publicised that season three features a cameo from Britney Spears. It probably won’t but the way in which its grown as a show, developed the characters and the shows history/timeline is an art form in itself, it never fails to make me laugh which is the best thing of all, well, maybe Alyson Hannigan, or Jason Segel (Freaks and Geeks, Undeclared, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall)

Flight of the Conchords – Musical Comedy

Having started off in New Zealand, moving to BBC Radio2 as a half hour radio show on Saturday afternoons, then over to HBO as a TV Show in 2007, the two Kiwi’s ‘unique’ brand of humour and comedy songs against ripped off music videos was genius. I won’t say more, you either love it, hate it, or should go buy the DVD, it’s a bit like Vegemite in that way. Oh, and the US is totally getting this as their own as HBO paid for it, so yeah, its totally owned by HBO.

Friday Night Lights – Drama

Oh, we’re English, we don’t know much about American Football, well, maybe you would if you watched this. No, you probably wouldn’t, but the way in which the football seems to take second place to the large character base including school kids, both in the team and not, coaches, parents and more works really well and the issues tackled on rape, racism, murder and just growing up in small town middle America is handled expertly. You may say it sounds like Hollyoaks crossed with Footballers Wives, and a bit of Dream Team thrown in for good measure, but its so much more, its better written, better acted, and all round quality show.

Chuck – Comedy/Drama

It got picked up for a second season, so I’m allowed to add this. I am now eagerly awaiting the second season of the show which introduced us to Charles Bartowski who accidentally downloads government secrets into his brain and becomes a secret agent. It sounds like a lame idea for a show, and started off slow, but the show grew and the relationships between the characters became more involved, and believable. It’s now on Virgin 1 in the UK, but they’ll probably mess it up.

Misc
I’m missing off the obvious Heroes which I love, the first season was epic, but the second failed to deliver till the final few episodes, leaving me salivating at the thought of a third ‘chapter’ called ‘Villains’. Ohh awesome. Then there’s Lost, which has really upped its game in season 3 and still has two and a half seasons to go. People also seem to love Prison Break but I haven’t watched it so I can’t really comment.
Oh Californication is coming back for a second season, its great. Fact.
Also why can’t we seem to do something as whimsically wonderful as Pushing Daisies, I mean, its got a British star (Anna Friel) who’s had to go the US to get some decent roles (apart from those Goal films, pah-thetic). Its like if Tim Burton doing Roald Dahl…hold on, that’s already, happened….ummmm….

There’s more too, jeebus… I'm not even going to start on how good Dirty, Sexy Money got towards the end of the first season, ok i will, it got AWESOME

Robot Chicken - Comedy

We used to have ‘Adam and Joe’ on C4 late on a Friday night, doing their animation with Plush Toys and star wars toys and the like taking on film satire. Robot Chicken is Seth Greens show, and shown on Bravo’s “Adult Swim”. It’s the same thing, only a 15 minute show, and a bit dirtier, gorier, filthier and funnier.

Entourage - Dramedy?

People forget about it, as it’s on ITV2, and the 4th season finished in the US years ago. Following Vinnie Chase and his Entourage while they all try to make it in Hollywood (well everyone bar Turtle, who just tries to get laid and score dope). If it wasn’t for the WGA strike we’d have a new season by now (or so I keep telling myself) and it’s another great show.

Weeds
About a woman (Mary Louise Parker), whose husband dies and she turns to being a weed dealer to make ends meet. Over 4 seasons it’s become massive, the storylines are plain crazy. It’s just another hit from Showtime (Dexter, Californication)

Christ on a Bike, that’s a lot of shows I’ve just listed. I do in fact love them all, and it wasn’t difficult to come up with that list, I’m pretty sure if I thought about it I could write more. But I won’t, it’d bore you.

So onto British Stuff then, I struggled to think about great shows, series I love that are home-grown. With the WGA strike I’ve had time to watch lots more stuff on TV that’s not American, but there doesn’t seem to be anything good on. Its all reality shows, cheap panel shows, there doesn’t seem to be any new ideas, anything of consistent quality or big ideas. No one seems to think big, have a series with big plans, long running story arcs, character development; it seems we’ve got no Ambition.

So, here’s a small list of the shows I love that are home-grown:

Peep Show – Sitcom Pretty much THE best thing on British TV over the last five years. Initially a novel way of shooting a sitcom using the actors POV, using internal monologues, its grown and back today, and I can’t fucking wait.

Last Enemy / State of Play
I didn’t watch either of these; I’ve been told they are brilliant, gripping even. But the thing is, they were one offs weren’t they, short seasons, mini series. Not a lengthy serial that could go on for multiple seasons

I find it hard to think of any other shows that have been great from the UK. Looking back things like early Coupling, The Office, Extra’s, Black Books, Spaced, The Day Today, Brasseye and Nathan Barley were all good but they had a short run and were years ago

I suppose I could add ‘The Mighty Boosh’ but I think it peaked during season two and 3 was a bit hit and miss. The characters were already there from the live shows, and then the radio shows, then onto TV. A bit like FOTC, actually yeah, Boosh can go in there, even if I let it off on being terrible in series three, apart from the Eels song and the Crack Fox.

Thing is, US networks seem to be spending more and more money on shows. I look forward to new seasons of shows more than most film releases. The character development and acting is better than most films, the actors are given time, the scripts develop as the show does, the story arcs are long and they are well paced. I don’t see the UK doing that. What’s good on BBC One? Doctor Who, Robin Hood, Jeckyll, they aren’t great shows, RH and DrW are MOR Saturday evening fare, not prime time viewing, dealing with character development, storylines, it’s a bit wishy washy and to some extent cheesy.

Oh, one show I’ve totally forgotten about that I love,‘Primeval’. It’s fucking fantastic.
Think about it. It’s creative, a rift in time where you can travel back or forward in time, and some people who are chasing these rifts and trying to find out what’s going on, of course, humans are not the only ones that can go through, so creatures from the other side can come through to our time too. That was it for the start but its grown and developed, the show’s writers have embraced the shows ‘universe’, its history, rules, and laws and totally run wild with them. Bringing future predators through the rift, having people go back and change the future so when they return everything is different, being able to track the rifts, building a team of people and a base of characters. Its really really well done, and for something that’s aimed at kids it works for adults as well, not only for something that’s original and got good development and over arcing storylines, but its got conspiracy, death, violence, Hannah Spearitt and, and DINOSAURS. It’s a show with DINOSAURS and that is the final tick in my box. That and Hannahs ass.

If you disagree let me know, point me in the direction of some good UK shows. Christ, I even watched ‘Moving Wallpaper’ as I thought it had potential to be good………it wasn’t, it was just about watch able.

Oh, i've thought of another one to add, thats Ideal which can be found on BBC Three, the new season started last week. Its a great understated show that has certainly found its stride in its third season and the fourth looks great. Its amazing that something spawned on BBC Three and never made it to 'proper' television channels has been going for so many series without being dropped. Johnny Vegas is incredible and for any doubters in his acting/comedy ability need to get the box sets of this show. I love it and am ashamed i forgot to add it.

Carbon Footprints

2008-04-22T17:15:00.002+01:00

So Tesco are putting Carbon Footprint labels on their own brand products, this follows on from that stupid stupid Carbon Footprint awareness gig at Wembley the other summer and is just another piece of media (printed on paper, from trees, which were cut down and pulped and transported and put through big machines all of which BURNS FOSSIL FUELS) telling me that I need to watch my carbon footprint. Its telling me I should be impressed with these massive global companies and global celebrities who have been polluting like mother fuckers for years because now they are ‘doing their bit’ and ‘making a difference’ and I tell you what; I’m getting really fucking sick of these pricks on their high horses preaching to the regular people. As far as I’m concerned they can all go fuck themselves.

I don’t see ‘insert major internations corporations director here’ biking to work, I’m pretty sure he’ll be driving a car, or someone will be driving it for him. I’m pretty sure when Razorlight go on tour they use a plane, some cars, and a hell of a lot of carbon to put on shows, which people have got to in their cars burning more carbon, and got tickets for which killed the rainforest. Who the hell are you to tell me that I should take the freaking train or get on my bike instead of getting in a car? What gives you the right to tell me I should do less flying as its hurting the world? AND why the hell should I care about my children’s children? I’m not going to be around, if they’re all like “our forefathers fucked things up, we’re doomed” will I really care? Fuck no. Its not gonna matter to me when I’m six feet under is it?

I mean, Christ, as a Country we can’t even sort ourselves out to recycle properly when compared to some of our European counterparts. Some stupid councils have decided to collect rubbish bi weekly rather than weekly to ‘encourage’ recycling, or encourage vermin, cats, foxes, Badgers! To raid our bins. I’ve got some meat that’s going off, ok I’ll wait TWO WEEKS till someone will clear it away for me. Jesus, what IDIOTS thought bi weekly collections were a good idea? I tell you what idiots thought it was a good idea, massive fucking idiots.

Its not just recycling is it? No, our public transport system which the government apparently wants people to use instead of cars is laughable pretty much everywhere and in smaller towns and villages it may as well be no existent. It’s not like its cheap either, if you wanted to go from London to Leeds you could hire a car for less, what kind of incentive have I got to take the train then? NONE WHATSOEVER. Maybe if it was cheaper and more reliable more people would use it, I’m pretty sure that would have a bigger impact on our carbon emissions than turning my TV off instead of onto standby at night. I tell you what, maybe I would turn my TV off at night instead of onto standby if it was simple, but oh no, LG decided I can’t, the only way I can do it is to UNPLUG the fucking thing each night, fuck that, there are too many wires and speakers and stuff in the way to do it every night. Maybe companies should be focusing on off switches then?

‘Carbon Footprint’ Is such a buzz topic and marketing ploy, I’m fed up of people trying to impress me with their low carbon footprint and their ‘green’ lives. My parents were recycling paper and card and plastic and glass years before it became cool to do so, taking it all down the local tip (this was before you had recycle places in supermarkets), we had chickens and guinea pigs and a compost heap to take care of all veggie/meat waste, but I didn’t even once hear them telling other people that they should recycle, or that they were recycling so they were better than anyone or trying to use it to win friends and influence people, no, they just did it because they are good human beings. Maybe if all these jumped up cretins stopped talking about their carbon footprint and how green they are and just got on with actually doing it other people may follow. There would certainly be less discussion and backlash and less people firing up their computers and routers to access the internet to bitch and moan about it, which, surprisingly, uses carbon.

Fat:Bone Ratio for Sexing.

2008-04-22T13:22:00.006+01:00

Two skinny people having energetic sex. That’s got to hurt, all the bone pounding against bone, no fat to act as a buffer, or muscle to dampen the impact. You know they are going to have bruises in places you don’t want bruises. That’s why you don’t often see two really skinny people together. It just doesn’t work in the bedroom department. In any relationship there needs to be a good fat to bone ratio to stop sex from being a painful experience.

Two fat people having sex, that’s got to cause a lot of friction, there may be some burns, and damn, if there isn’t going to be a problem with access sometimes which means there are quite a few positions you cannot use. I sometimes see two fat people together, on joke emails and newspaper articles about how fat Americans are. It’s a bit different to the skinny sex, as I’m pretty sure skinny people would be more athletic when it came to sexual experiences. Fat people would have a heart attack if they were as energetic as some of their skinny counterparts, which is why they seem to be a lot more common place that a really skinny couple.

There has to be a happy medium between the two, and I guess a non linear scale for couples. A Fat:Bone ratio if you will, that when you get the perfect ratio, the sex should (dependent on both partners abilities) be amazing.

Shallow Hal is a twisted example of a fattie (Jack Black) sexing a skinnie (Gwyneth Paltrow) when in reality, the tables have turned. I still don't get that film, she's freaking huge dude, really really huge. How would you not have known she was a gigantasaurus? I mean WHAT THE FUCK?!

It could not be a straight linear ratio, think about it, a fat person and a skinny person could work just as well as two healthy ‘regular’ people. There also might have to be variables included dependent on other factors, male or female, height, inside leg measurement to name but a few.

If someone could work this out then I believe the world would be a better place.

A Better place where this can happen? Really?

I’m sorry this isn’t really a ‘review’ as such, more rambling thoughts of a twisted mind. I’m sorry. I’ll get back to writing my review of British Television and why its not as good as American Television.

Bikes On a Train

2008-04-14T14:12:00.003+01:00

Snakes on a plane was a big hit (even though it sucked harder than a Thai Hooker), you can see from the ‘disaster’ film how much of a problem they were, but it seems that London transport has a problem with bikes on a train, and the tube (obviously) and surprisingly the busses too. Mother Fuckers.

Yeah that’s right I mother fucked TFL. Can’t stop terrorists blowing shit up but they can stop my bike (and venomous killer snakes) getting on a transport machine. Mother fuckers.

So, I had my car “taken away” from me due to a change in job role last summer. This has led me to use public transport, and to spend a lot of my time “in the saddle” biking to and from places.

Cycling works out really well, I spending more time outdoors exercising rather than being cooped up in a car sat on my once fat ass. I’ve most certainly grown to love cycling. Especially when you get to overtake cars and busses, whether it be due to traffic or them being slow and me being speedy. I have even taken to mumbling “owned” under my breath when I overtake something, it’s a really fun game to play.

Quite a lot of the time now I’ll bike the 4miles down to Shoreditch to my mates rather than walk/bus/walk it, its quicker and you don’t have to put up with the dregs of society that use busses, the ones who have their mobile playing music through the speaker, rather than into their headphones. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that? I was walking down my road last week and someone was just walking along holding his phone playing music. Have these degenerates not heard of headphones, earphones, do they think “dawg, everybodies loves listenin to ma choons, dis is fat yo, I gotta drop it on da bus blood…brrrap”
Phones shouldn’t have speakers, it’s a fucking phone for christs sake. Its not even like you can tell the people to stop it, the last time I heard about someone requesting another bus passenger to keep the noise down he was beaten to death in front of his girlfriend.
I am sure many people tell these pricks off, but honestly, I value my life more than 10mins of annoyance. I just wish that if you are on public transport, people should unite against these cunts, if I was to tell him off, ask to shut the hell up, I’d expect some backup from the rest of the passengers. You know you won’t get it so its not worth the hassle. Mother Fuckers

The thing is, this is all well and good, biking instead of public transport, but when something goes wrong with your bike, its seems that TFL don’t actually give a shit about you. You’ve only been biking and reducing your carbon footprint, doing your thing for the environment. You’ve only been dodging traffic and hoping you won’t get killed by a fucking bendy bus (yes Bus 29 the bus of crime. You Mother Fucker), risking life and limb to get to work. You’ve only been saving the NHS shit loads of cash by keeping fit, thus reducing the chance of certain illness’ and diseases. You’ve only been taking an overground train to get to work and paying through the nose for it leading to it costing more than a car (I still refuse to buy a car when I live in London).
But if you get a puncture, if your chain breaks, if something happens that is out of your control on your bike and you cannot fix it on the road side then you are pretty much fucked, because TFL and Public Transport HATES YOU AND WANTS YOU TO SUFFER.

Scottish Trains seem to have the right idea

On arriving into Kings Cross one evening I find that my tyre has a pin in it, its as flat as a pancake.
I ask at the info point how to get home. The gentleman decides to tell me which bus would go there, so jump on one over there. No dice. You are flat out not allowed to take a bike, unless it’s a stupid foldy one, onto a bus. End of story, no discussion, no special treatment, just a flat out NO.
Mother Fuckers, the bus wasn’t even that full.
So back to the information point, explaining that the mother fuckers wouldn’t let me take the bike on the bus. Oh, could you stop swearing, you could get a train sir. One leaves in ten minutes from platform 9. Great, I pay for a ticket and head over to the train.
Ticket douchebag asks if my bike is foldable, “uh, no, does it look foldable? It’s a mountain bike (prick muttered under breath) , the wheels are quick release though” I respond sarcastically. Yeah, didn’t go down too well, I am not allowed on the train, and he gets some other ticketing douche for backup as I argue my case and explain my flat tyre and not wanting to walk the 4/5miles back home.
I obviously take out my anger on information booth boy, who seems to be TFL personified, thinks he’s better than he is, can’t stand up well under scrutiny, and shuts down early of an evening and is a bit of a mess at weekends. How, after telling him the mother fucking busses wouldn’t let me on with my bike, did he think the mother fucking trains would?
Obviously you can’t take bikes on a tube, so I’m screwed, there is also no way I’m leaving my bike at Kings Cross for it to get stolen overnight, and I need to fix the puncture, I aint paying for a new one when I can fix the old one.
I walk home continually cursing TFL in my head..mother fuckers mother fuckers mother fuckers….

Now TFL are mother fuckers, there is one thing to say about the First Group (Capital Connect, Great Western etc..), they let bikes on their trains. The trains may run slow and be old and shitty (and break down like they did this morning), but at least I can put my bike on it. So i guess they're just fuckers.

Stephen Hunt - Villian

2008-04-14T14:04:00.006+01:00

A Letter to the Daily Mail.

As a football fan, and an avid, season ticket holding supporter of Reading FC, I am getting increasingly frustrated and angered by the media’s blame-throwing and constant vitriol towards Stephen Hunt.

Wherever you look in the media, especially the written press there seems to be a large dislike to the Irish International, whether it’s because of his straggly hair, terrier like determination or just his ability to frustrate and constantly challenge ‘big’ players I don’t know. Maybe its to do with the fact Reading are a small team playing with the big boys and journalists still don’t think we are worthy of our place in the Premier League (judging on the performance against Fulham I’m starting to question it too). It certainly explains that whenever we win a game, the Daily Mail decides the team we played against were having a bad day and that Reading were ‘lucky’ to have played against such a weak and terrible performing opposition. Whatever the reason, it seems like the Daily Mail has a campaign of hatred towards our midfielder that is totally un-quantifiable. A few Sundays ago, I read the football pull out, there was a ‘Hero’s” and ‘Villains’ piece on most Premier League matches, and the one that stood out to me was the write up of the Liverpool v Reading clash. I am not writing here to complain about the fact Marek Matějovský’s wonder strike got two lines, where the whole article was about a good, but not ‘amazing’ the goal by Javier Mascherano was, I’m here to complain out the ‘Villain’ section.

Villain: Stephen Hunt “Gives the Premier League a bad name”

In most other match reviews it was because a striker squandered opportunities, or a defender made a calamitous error, but in Reading’s case, it was a disgusting character assassination that had no bearing on the game and pulled Stephen Hunt into the spotlight again. I was absolutely enraged on reading what was a biased and hateful comment on the player. To address this, I’ve looked at some Opta Stats from 2007, the most up to date ones I could get online, I think you will find them interesting reading and I think after you’ve managed to take in the facts (I’m pretty sure that Daily Mail journalists actually understand what facts are) and think about the vicious bile you are writing weekly, you would start thinking about, nay, feel compelled, to write an apology in next weekends pull out to Stephen Hunt and Reading FC and its supporters for your terrible treatment of a fine player, one who has come up from the lower leagues, at Brentford and Crystal Palace, someone who has a worked hard to gain a place in Readings starting line up, one who has progressed and earned International Caps and someone who is a dedicated player with a great work ethic and was Reading Fan’s 3rd best player or the 2006-07 season.

If you look at the stats Stephen Hunt is actually the 7th most fouled player in the Premier League, not even Christiano Ronaldo or Alexander Hleb receive as much of a kicking as Hunt does. It seems instead of making him out to be a villain, you should be looking at why he is being fouled, maybe the media hatred is in some way a part of this? If you are looking at how many fouls he commits, he doesn’t rank on the top fouling players list, with Kevin Davies committing a staggering 82 fouls in 2007.
Looking at Red Cards, Blackburn’s Ryan Nelson was the only player to be sent off twice in 2007, and gave away a staggering four penalties. When you look at yellow cards, Nicky Butt received 13, which is only five off the total amount the entire Reading squad received in the 2006-7 season, which gave us the best disciplinary record in the Premier League.

Remember this is a player who has continued to perform at the highest level in what English journalists are calling the ‘best league in the world’, one who has continued to perform week in week out even in the wake of the Cech incident, even in the wake of death threats, even in the wake of boo’s and vicious abuse from opposition supporters. No one seems to have focused on this; no one seems to have spoken out in support for the player bar his manager, teammates and Reading supporters. This isn’t the kind of treatment the media gave David Beckham when he was receiving death threats, the media escalation and disgusting treatment of the player by the media and Chelsea Football club didn’t effect his game, he has come through and continues to perform, it seems possible that it might even have galvanized him. But. He still gets un justifiable abuse from small minded journalist like you John Edwards.

So if you are looking for someone who gives the premier league a bad name, don’t look at Hunt. Look at Ryan Nelson, look at Kevin Davies, look at Jamie Carragher and Wayne Rooney, so called English ‘Heroes’ who shout, scream and swear at Referees and swarm around them when they make a decision, take a wider view and stop victimizing someone who gives 110% on match day’s, someone who gives the Premier League a good name, someone who people can look at and think that with passion, determination and hard work, you can make it.

And if you can’t see past your small minded opinions, your biased views on a player, I don’t see how you can function in the real world and I don’t know how you see fit to call yourself a journalist, let alone one at a national newspaper.

Awaiting an Apology,
Keith

Alex Wotherspoon

2008-03-18T16:10:00.003Z

Cock

How long did it take you to find this, probably longer than two hours as its not a widely used website, low level blogs don't come up on internet hits as high up.

Anyway, this has been fun.

Playa's Whip's an Crib's

2007-08-03T13:57:00.000+01:00

Moving to London has given me endless stuff to bitch and moan about, normally this relates to how fucking expensive everything is, just see previous posts.
I’m now over (for a while) how fucking expensive stuff is, and on to people who annoy the hell out of me. There are lots of people who annoy the hell out of me but today I will be specifically talking about “playa’s and their whip’s”

If you don’t know what the hell I’m talking about, go here

an brief description is as follows

Playa
"A person who has enough game (and hence, enough respect) can do whatever they want, dress however awful (or tacky) they want, say whatever crazy things they want to say, and still win the adoration of others. Often these skills are used to earn sexual or material favors, although not by necessity."

Whip
"A fast, expensive car, such as an Aston Martin. Sometimes used to describe vehicles of a lesser extent in areas of lower standards. (i.e., ghettos)"

In specific I am talking about:

Ricers
"Any person who adds tasteless modifications to a perfectly normal automobile."

So, in reference to these pricks, here is where the beef is at,
oh no I didunt,
oh yes I did.
Here’s the beef.

When I am walking to the bus with my girlfriend, housemate, or female friends, hey, I don’t even have to be going to the bus, just walking down the street, yer’know.
Why oh why do playas wanna come rollin past in their whips honking and shouting and whatnot

Do they ACTUALLY think that women will look over and wanna “go 4a ride wit dem”

I mean really, I don’t understand it, yes, you are driving, yes you have discussed it and yes, you both would “hit that” but why oh why do you honk and shout. What's the point?
Whats going to happen? Do you think women actually like getting honked at? Do you think I like seeing it?
If you really liked the chick you would stop, walk up to her….oh wait, that’s just creepy actually, like a guy in a car offering a kid sweets if he got in the car, its similarly weird, but the kiddie snatcher/paedo thing is far far far worse. Langham, you should be ashamed of yourself. Scum.

So lets take an imaginary scenario where, for some random reason, the object of the honking and shouting actually does go for a ride with them……..

Slammin’ Hottie (female) walks up the road

Two spotty, overweight wannabe playas drive up road in their ricer, probably a Fiat Uno (you know the kind, yellow, shitty alloys, “sports” seats, those gay seatbelt straps, “banging” soundsystem, but 0-60 takes 2 minutes, but, whatever, its all about cruisin’ yer’know)

They honk on seeing said Slammin’ Hottie’s “fine ass walkin up da street” and roll down the windows (by hand, this playa spent too much on his alloys to afford upgrades like electric windows, air con or air bags) and shouts “why don’t you get over in here an suck ma dik yo!?” followed by passenger shouting “I’d break you in two bitch”

Slammin’ Hottie stops, turns, strips and dives in car, blows them both on the drive back to one of their mums cribs where they reside, but only the crib where the mum ain’t in, cos that aint cool bra. They spitroast her and they all go back to their cribs happy, apart from the guy who is already in his crib. Two guys call their “bro’s” to inform of the awesome time and chick showers off a metaphorical and actual thick layer of filth, sweat and sin that is covering her entire body.

No? doesn’t seem like it would ever happen.

So stop honking your fucking horns and shouting you pricks.

Public Transport Pricing

2007-07-13T15:04:00.000+01:00

So, I’ve started my new daily routine, and its not as bad as I thought it could be, but it’s a lot harder than I wanted it to be.

On Wednesday the 11th July 2007, I lost my car. I no longer require a car for my work needs, so it’s been taken away from me.

I used to drive to work, the 33 odd miles up from North London to Luton, now I have to get from my flat to Kings Cross for the train and from Luton Train Station to my office. I thought about getting the tube to Kings Cross and the Bus from the train to the office, but that would have cost an extra £30 a week. So instead I bike the 4 miles to Kings Cross, take the train, and then bike 2 miles to work. All in all, bout hour and 20mins trip, same as in a car. I am even enjoying it as I’ve got 12 miles to ride a day so I’ll get fit, and I shower at work, so save on water bills and can do what I do best, get up, throw on shorts and a t shirt and begin my day.

I have had some funny looks in the office though, when people have known you for six months and every single day you’ve had straight hair, (courtesy of GHD’s) they really notice when your hair is not poker straight, shiny and dry of a morning, and look confused when you are sitting at your desk at 9am with wet, curly hair (from the shower yeah, not sweat)

Well done if you have read this far, so far I’ve been very self indulgent, but now onto the science.

The government wants us to be greener, to cut down carbon emissions, and to lower our carbon footprint. The PM is talking about eco towns and all sorts of pie in the sky ideas. But what help do we get when we do change our ways? Nothing, we get screwed. I’ve changed my ways, and carbon footprint wise I am nailing it, but my wallet is also taking a hefty smack where it hurts.

Here’s the math’s, money and carbon footprint (includes one short haul flight)

Driving to Work (petrol)

Cash - £2,402.40
Carbon – 21.2 tonnes

Public Transport to Work

Cash - £5,148.00 (Tube to Train, Bus to Office)
Cash - £3,192 (Train)
Carbon – 0.34 tonnes

So as you can see, by losing my car, and cycling to work there is 20.85 tonnes less carbon being emmited. That’s a shit load of carbon, a shit load. Its not a joke either, it’s the truth. I used the same carbon footprint calculator on both scenarios. Check here if you want to find out yours.
I looked at my households carbon and its just under 2 tonnes a year, so by cycling and getting the train, that’s 20 households carbon emissions I’ve cut down on, 20 households, its madness.

Its so frustrating that if I was to use the full public transport system to get to and form work, the tube to kings cross, the train to luton and the bus to the office, I would be paying twice as much as someone who is in a car would be paying in petrol. Whilst I am emitting nearly 2 tonnes less carbon per month as a result.
There is no fairness here. I cannot believe that the public transport in this country is so fucked up. Plus take into account that to save myself the extra £2,000 a year, I am biking over 12 miles a day, that’s got to be saving some carbon somewhere.

So, I guess you can say that Live Earth has done something, apart from using a lot of carbon to host the event, its bought it to my attention (albeit via work taking my car away from me) how much carbon I use. Its made me aware of how incredibly expensive public transport is and shows the government and big business’ up for being hypocrites (business can see the post below, I will concentrate on government). The railways have been privatises, thanks maggie, but if the Government really truly want people to get out of their cars, and start taking public transport to work, they need to make it more affordable. I cannot stress enough the shock I have had in doing this experiement and working out how much money I’ll be spending just to make money.

So if any prime ministers of the country that goes by the name of Great Britain reads this, or any politician has a browse, sort this fucking mess out, the only way you will get people out of their cars and onto public transport is if it is cheaper than driving a car. Fact. At the moment, a car would cost me a hell of a lot less, i wouldnt have to bike through the rain and up big hills, and i wouldnt have to deal with idiot drivers trying to kill me. So, this means I’ll be on auto trader over the weekend finding some new wheels. Vroom Vroom!

Living a Carbon Neutral Life

2007-07-12T13:13:00.000+01:00

Its bollocks, it’s a lot of hard work, it costs more money to do, and I am 100% fed up of people telling me to “reduce my carbon footprint”, every time I hear it I want to shove my carbon foot right up their righteous arses. Mother Fuckers.

I don’t have a problem with being environmentally friendly, taking steps towards being sustainable and conserving energy, that’s fine. I do however, also have a tendency to lean towards the “fuck it, I’ll be dead so it doest matter” camp.

What I do have a problem with is the amount of weight the whole issue has, the clout it has, how it’s gone from no where, via Al Gore, to being high on everyone’s agenda.

I cannot get on the tube without a poster telling me that if everyone in London turned off overnight instead of going to standby, we’d save over £100million and loads of carbon.
I can’t read a paper without some politician telling us about carbon neutral bollocks, take the PM today, good old GB will be building “eco estates” what the fuck?

I am fed up of being bossed about, the whole Live Earth thing was the final straw, what a fucking joke. (Lots of people will moan about Live Earth, I’ll keep it simple, take the venue, the entertainters, that crowd, the caterers an staff, then take all their travel needs and food/heating needs, and the event just makes no sense. It’s a fucking joke.)
Enough is enough.

I keep seeing examples of where individuals and organisations can make big changes, ones that are bigger than turning to 30degrees or turning instead of onto standby. It angers me that these situations occur but I’m getting pelted with green issues wherever I go. Its time for a fucking change. Force the issue onto the big offenders, not the people, we’ve got enough shit to deal with, the smoking ban, taxes, terrorism etc…
See my examples below.

I was at Wembley Arena for The Who the other week, the lights on in and around and lighting up Wembley Stadium was mad, I couldn’t believe the amount of light, I walked the 2miles back to my car and found I could still see the light. There was nothing going on, it was 11pm and no one around bar people exiting The Who concert, why the need for lights? Its not just that, most stadiums seem to have lights on in the evening to make them stand out, why the hell do I want to see a football stadium lit up at night, I want to see the football not the stadiums lights, shit the season hasn’t even started yet.

Keith’s Solution – Turn off the fucking massive bastard lights and save fuck loads of energy. There's no need for them to be on, so turn them off. That’s gotta save more than me putting my telly on standby overnight

I walk back across J11 of the M4 whenever I watch Reading FC play at the Madjeski, the offices on Green Park are always empty, yet all the lights are on, the street lights, car park lights, reception lights, office lights, neon signs our the front, even the restaurant lights are on and the pumps are pumping the waterfalls and that.

Keith Solution – Turn off the bastard lights, there's no one around, so why the fucking lights, not even security lights, it’s the full fucking lights. Install sensors or timers or just turn them on from Mon to Fri, that’d save a fuck load more than my household turning the washing to 30, because my washing machine doesn’t go to thirty, its old. Fuck you underwear model bitch.

My final point is to show it aint just the UK, take New York, they know how to waste electricity, EVERYWHERE has lots of lights on all the freaking time, the shops, the offices, the buildings even have lights to make the buildings stand out, Jesus Christ, how can they put up with it. If NYC turned off its ridiculous lights it would probably save the world.

To conlude, I’m fed up of being told to change.

When I was in sales I got told a nice line

“If you do x then I’ll do y”

Lets put it in an environmental context

“if you (businesses etc..) lead by example conserving energy, then I will follow”

Sounds like a good deal to me

Ben Thompson and Ross Kweller (take2)

2007-06-22T11:14:00.000+01:00

A while ago I posted a short blog on how my housemate looked a tad like Ben Kweller. It was posted here.

After randomly coming across a photo of Ben Kweller performing, I thought, shit, I gotta post this photo because Ross and Ben look like they were separated at birth. Its not even funny anymore. I have to get them in the same room before one of them has their hair cut.

I'm a Beautiful God Who Everyone Wants To Fuck

2007-05-29T14:58:00.000+01:00

I fucking hate these things, honestly, they are fucking bullshit. If you haven't already worked it out, its chain post/blog/bulletin bollocks where some random chain of letters and numbers linked to something personal give an insight into yourself, so for me

1. Because the first letter of my first name is K (Keith) i am beautiful
2. Because the third letter of my middle name is E (work it out for yourselves) i am a God
3. Because I am wearing a white shirt today, everyone wants to fuck me.

I mean go figure. If I had decided that hey, I should put on my purple shirt today, I’d be a beautiful god who looked at porn 24/7. Wow, how insightful.
Or, if my name was Greg or Graham, I am a Dyke, or Barry, then I am a Gangster.

I mean who the fuck comes up with this stuff?

Its some bored geek tosspot who decides to start something stupid up cos they are bored, their parents have cut off the porn, and they are not clever enough to get round the privacy/security settings their dad set up. This means after weeks of tossing off to thumbnails on torrent webpages and looking on myspace for sluts profiles before they get banned, and then getting bored of hobbit love (you know who I’m talking about, a certain DI), they think up some god damn awful little quiz that pops up and ruins my mother fucking day.
Damn their parents for blocking their porn. Shit, that’s what computers were made for. If you had a list of things that the people who invented the computer thought it should be used for its this.

1. Looking at Pictures of Naked Women
2. Looking at Videos of Naked Women
3. Talking/Messaging other perverted, degenerates who are as filthy as you are.
4. Downloading said picture and videos and meeting places, then sharing online with other people

5. Stealing music, film and TV from big corporations because they’ve been ripping you off for years and its about time you did something passive to get them back.
6. Stalking People
7. Buying stuff you cannot steal digitally because its cheaper than going to a shop
8. Abusing others with words, in text format

I could do more but I got bored and thought you would too, plus the whole list has detracted from my anger. Now lets get back to the point. Fucking parents blocking porn, what the hell do they think they are doing? Its either that or guys with girlfriends who aren’t putting out, or chicks who’s blokes cocks have stopped working and are too lazy to go get batteries for their pet rabbit.

I mean if the parents stopped blocking their kids from downloading porn, they’d be touching themselves whilst Paris Hilton lay lifeless and motionless on her front like a cheap motel whore, getting filled in by some jock who’s got about as much class as Pete Doherty when he’s writing his so called ‘poetry’ in blood drained out of his arms by a dirty syringe. She’s not looking impressed, exstatic, orgasmic, its almost like rape. Then comes the blowjob, wow, she’s putting a lot of work into it, she looks like a cock hungry whore. No she doesn’t, she looks bored, tired and in need of a tearing apart by someone who’s up to the task, not some steroid abusing jock who wouldn’t know how to make a woman come if he went to a months sex retreat with the top ten lesbian and hetero sexperts on the planet. Seriously kids, Its not erotic, that’s not what sex looks like, that’s not what a woman enjoying herself looks like, its not even good fucking porn, its rubbish porn, its pity porn, it’s the kind of porn they show at sex ed so you don’t get excited in the classroom and don’t want to go and try it out with the first girl who lets you hold their hand or kisses you on the lips. If they showed good porn, proper porn, with action, satisfaction, kids would know all about safe sex, how to pull out early and avoid pregnancy, that both ugly and uber hot women don’t mind being fucked with a condom, and as long as you’re good enough, the rubber don’t matter. They’d know how to eat muff, multiple positions, shit, everyones first time would be ace cos they’d actually know what they’re doing, plus they wouldn’t spend their tired bored sexless evenings making up and posting and forwarding these stupid fucking “quiz’s”

Look at your facebook or myspace bulletin and notes page, you cannot move on peoples they’re s a fucking scurge. I mean, who really cares, I fucking don’t so stop telling me.

Whats worse, in a way, is the cunts who keep doing these stupid quiz’s. I’ve done a few, but I have stopped, broken the chain, the only reason I’ve done this is to prove a point about how fucking stupid they are.

This is the one that was the final nail in the coffin. Fuckers.

Look, is this a beautiful god who everyone wants to fuck?

no its not, its Ron Barassi, MVP mother fuckers.

how about this douche? down to the quiz he'd be A Slutty Retard Who Will Do Anything For Crack

Shit, its Ruffalo, well, i take it all back this quiz is right. The man who made it up is a freaking genius. I am a beautiful god who everyone wants to fuck and Ruffalo, the massive cunt that he could be is now re baptised as a slutty retard who'll do anything for crack.

WHAT ARE YOU???

Take the first letter of your first name

A-Pretty
B-Gorgeous
C-Gangster
D-Popular
E-Amazing
F-Girly
G-Dyke
H-Sweet
I-Retarded
j-Very Sexy
K-Beautiful
L-Fabulous
M-Slutty
N-Preppy
O-Hot
P- Fucking ugly
Q-Punky
R-Hot
S-Sexy
T- Emotional
U-Ugly
V-Wonderful
W-Hott
X-Bitchy
Y-Under-appreciated
Z-Over-appreciated

Now the third letter in your middle name(if you dont have one use your last name):

A-beauty queen
B- Babe
C-Bitch
D-Obsesser
E- God (ess)
F-Retard
G-Queen/ King
H-Slut
I-Girl
J-Goth
K-Nerd
L-sex god
M- Whore
N-Alcoholic
O-Geek
P-Skank
Q-Crackwhore
R-pornstar
S-Prince (ess)
T-Sex Machine
U-Cry Baby
V-Jackass
W-Punk
X-Scaredy-cat
Y-Coward
Z-Chocoholic

This is funny!!

Now What Colour Is the Shirt You Are Wearing:

Red- Who's Good With My Hands
purple- Who Looks At Porn 24/7
Orange- Who Likes It In The Butt
Yellow- Who Wants To Have Sex With You
Green- Who will do anything for Sex
Pink- Who Will Do Anything For Crack
blue- Who likes to strip
White- Who everyone wants to fuck
Brown- Who Wears Big Sunglasses
Black- Who will rock your world
Gray- who gives great head
None-who is a beast in bed

NOW REPOST THIS WITH THE NAME & STATEMENT YOU GOT
BEGINNING WITH " I'm a ....

Hmm, not quite sure about the accuracy of this one!!

Thundercats

2007-05-29T11:53:00.000+01:00

I remember this children’s programme from when I was young. Thing is I don’t remember anything about it. All I can remember is there were some humanoid felines who were battling someone bad on a planet that wasn’t there's, oh and they had a kick ass layer. I have now watched the opening 4 episodes, as I’ve downloaded the lot I’ve got 126 to go. This is quite worrying. As Thundercats is pretty fucking lame. No scrub that, it’s really really really lame. I am now in the kind of position where I will argue with people who wear t-shirts with the “Eye of Thundera” logo on it

I don’t know if I ever watched the first episode, just like I cannot remember whether Captain Nintendo got out of that pesky NES, or whether the kids from Dungeons and Dragons ever got home (the season finished on a cliff-hanger and they never made another series), but now I have there’s so many things that are wrong.

Just like Doctor Who ripping off a scenario from Danny Boyle’s Sunshine the other week (Burn with Me, sounded more like some lame metal song’s chorus that a scary living sun wanting revenge, I mean seriously, a sun wanting revenge? Pah!) Thundercats have ripped off a lot of things. Here are my top three

1. Superman
2. Comic Book Heroes in General
3. The Egyptians

1. Superman
They leave their dying planet and watch it explode before going into stasis and crash landing on a foreign planet which the auto pilot took them too. Therefore: Lion-O = Kal-El.

2. Comic Book Heroes in General
Comic book heroes have super powers, individual to them mainly. When they form part of a team, each has a different power, and the rest of the team can cover for their weaknesses through the teams combined strength. So the Thundercats are like the X:Men, Fantastic Four and Justice League.

Lion-O – he’s got nothing but a magic sword
Cheetarah – Super Speed
Panthra – Hard Ass Bastard
Wily Cat and Wily Kit – Agility and Magic
Tigra – Invisibility

Shit, Tigra is the nuts, he’s freaking invisible, I’d be peering into the thunder-shower on Cheetarah, and I mean check this out…..

. Is there any need in a Childs programme to have boobs that prominent? Is there?

What’s that you say, that’s a naked Cheetarah and naked young Lion-O, how?

Well in the first episode as they are leaving their home planet, they are all naked, and have weird asses, but they put clothes on before going into stasis for the long trek across space to the planet that best matched their own They don’t want to rock up to a new planet naked.

So onto 3

3. Egyptians
Mumm-Ra, the evil dude, lives in a Pyramid and is covered in strips of grey linen and enters and exits the show every episode from his sarcophagus.

My other bone of contention is the ageing process in stasis. This is a massive freaking black hole of a plot home. (Black holes are dying stars, not dying planets so I cannot make a link between the planet Thundera perishing, which is a shame)

Some ageing does take place in the suspension, that’s what Jaga (the old man/leader) tells the Thundercats. You’d think that this was put in for the story line but here’s the science

Before Stasis

Lion-O, Wily Kat and Wily Kit – All Children
Panthra, Tigra and Cheetarah – All Adults

Now see the magic of “some ageing” in stasis

Wily Kat and Wily Kit – Children
Panthra, Tigra and Cheetarah – All Adults
Lion-O – Now an Adult.

Plus, Cheetarah does make a comment when he emerges as an adult, that “my my hasn’t he grown” with some sort of feline sexiness that’s not needed on kids TV.
Lion-O’s the only character who’s changed in stasis, plus, they managed to buff him up as well, how the hell does that work? HOW?

My final bone of contention with the opening episodes of Thundercats is that they totally ripped off Star Wars with the whole Jaga dying just like Yoda and then re-appearing later to speak to the “chosen one” in ghost format. Rubbish.

What I haven’t covered off is the Gay Evil Mummy called Mumm-Ra or his henchmen, or the Robobears or the whole looking at the camera whilst spouting off life messages like
“That’s what friends do, they help each other”

I’ll save that for another day

Thundercats versus Superman

This is awful, I googled Thundercats in the image section and came across this

By D.C. Comics. SUPERMAN/THUNDERCATS

How will the Man of Steel contend against the mightiest 'Cats in the galaxy on his home turf? The battle rages in SUPERMAN/THUNDERCATS , a WildStorm Special written by fan-favorite Judd Winick (OUTSIDERS, GREEN ARROW) with art by the team that brought you the sold-out TITANS/YOUNG JUSTICE: GRADUATION DAY - Al‚ Garza and Trevor Scott! When Mumm-Ra discovers another Eye of Thundera in an alternate dimension, he sends his band of mutants to retrieve it. But the Thundercats are there to stand in their way! While attempting to stop them, Lion-O and the rest of the 'Cats are hurled across dimensions into Metropolis, where they encounter Earth's champion: Superman! Can the Man of Steel withstand a blow from the most powerful sword in the universe? Will the Thundercats realize that Superman is on their side before the Eye of Thundera falls into the hands of Mumm-Ra? SUPERMAN/THUNDERCATS is a 48-page WildStorm Special edited by Alex Sinclair and Eddie Berganza

Pardew & Poll - Reading v Charlton

2007-04-24T16:07:00.000+01:00

I have taken some time before I posted this item. I have been very angry about the situation and have waited till Charton and their cunt of a manager were back in a relegation position before I posted this.

I have never heard of such a time when a referee would “signal” to a manager to take a player off before he shoots his hand in the air with a second yellow and a red card.

It gives a player who has been persistently infringing the laws of the game a “way out” and the team opposing such a player does not gain a just advantage when said player has been consistently fouling and stopping them from playing.

Pardew should know better than to be blatantly flaunting this situation. It doesn’t help doubters and haters of the man to be going around mouthing off about how he got told that he’d better take Song off. It angers them more, I dislike his shit eating grin at the best of times and I can visualize it right now. Yuck.

Poll also has been in sticky refereeing situations in the past, anyone remember the three yellow card situation at the world cup? Then the majority of this season I’ve heard “Worse than Graham Poll, You Know You Are Your Sure You Are Your Worse than Graham Poll” chanted at appalling referees, even to Poll himself.
For a man in his position “helping” managers should not be his priority. His job is to referee the game, to be in charge, not give a wink and a nod to managers to “aid” them.

Poll should be strung up for this, and as a qualified referee I am disgusted at his behavior as you should be too

Estate Agents

2007-04-05T13:00:00.000+01:00

Estate agents get a really bad wrap, especially lettings agents. Everyone thinks they’re fucking useless and when they prove us right, all you can do is bitch and moan because your accommodation is in their hands. When they do things right however, they get loads of praise, but all they have done is their job, competently, which is what all estate agents should do. I know there’s no way in hell I’ll praise people for being competent, I need people to go above and beyond competent to get any kind of praise and good word of mouth from me, as you can probably see in my archive of reviews.

We all know what they do, and it seems like a simple process, one that only a fucking idiot could mess up. But it seems that the majority view is that they are idiots, and for some reason, they always mess it up in some way shape or form.
Since I have been in the process of moving and dealing with a letting agency, all sorts of people have come out of the woodwork telling me their horror stories about agencies being full of incompetent, incoherent, useless, lazy, miserable, moody, pathetic, worthless, useless excuses for human beings. What I’ve heard the most is the word “useless”, and that’s coming from pretty much everyone, even my Dad. The best one though, is a blinder. Lettings agents are……

“a bunch of fucking useless cunts”

no that’s not me quoting myself, its someone else.

In all jobs you’re supposed to perform at a certain standard, and I am sure that you perform at this standard and above to get the job done, and to get ahead, to get promotions, pay rises, bonuses, status, kudos etc...
This doesn’t seem to be the case in lettings agents and I am not sure why.

In some jobs you are not in any position to ruin people’s lives, to make or break their year. You are also not in a position to leave people out on the street. You could also say that you are not in a position to screw your clients over, talk down to them and charge them the earth for doing pretty much nothing. Oh wait, the last one’s true of most businesses.

So what I am trying to get across here is
1) Everyone thinks lettings agents are “useless”
2) No one I have met has had a good experience with a letting agent or their agency
3) In no other profession I can think of can you get away with being “useless” for so long, get such a bad wrap as a group of professionals, and continue to exist in such great and powerful numbers

So why do “useless” estate/lettings agents and agencies still exist, still have massive turnover and make a shit load of money?
Because we need them and there is no regulatory body that monitors them or collates criticisms and complaints

The simple fact is that somehow, over the course of history, these parasites have managed to imbed themselves in our rental processes, and we the people are too lazy to do anything about it. Each person that has told me their horror stories about renting has failed to do anything about their poor service levels and useless agents. Why is this, why after all the pain, heartache and financial cost would you not put in a complaint somewhere or take some action to voice your dissatisfaction?

Its because of the whole process we have to endure to change from living in one place and moving to another.
Once you have gone through all the pain, heartache and the financial cost of renting and secured your property, the next step is the complex one of sorting out the gas, water, electric and in some cases, Sky TV, phew what a nightmare. Then you’ve still got the mentally and physically exhausting move which is in four parts. Packing, Loading, Unloading, Unpacking. Follow this up with the post move shop where you need to spend even more money to replace lost items and ones that you didn’t think you’d need, or buy things because they were provided in your previous property, plus the added need to get food so you can survive! This is a hassle that we turn into “fun” for some reason. I myself am looking forward to next Tuesday night walking around Ikea for the entire evening just to end up buying a few clothes pegs and a bathmat. So after the rental process, the utilities, the move, the post move purchase, you then move into the “honeymoon” period. This is the best bit. You’ve gone through everything and it’s finally complete, it’s all over and done with, you’re in your new place, you’ve got no money till next payday but fuck it, you’re there, it’s all good. Great.

So after all of this who the hell could be bothered to do something about their letting agent being a “fucking useless cunt”.

Not me.

Mike's FaceBook Post

2007-03-20T14:47:00.000Z

It is great. He wrote one about supermarkets when i wrote one, we didnt know each other was writing one. Interestingly we have equal hatred for supermarkets. Damn Supermarkets.

Read Mike's post/rant/whatever below. I'll have you know i have no right to repost this. Its like theft.

Supermarket has always struck me a strange turn of phrase, "why?" I hear you ask.

I will endeavour to tell you why...because there is nothing 'super' about it and very little 'market' (in the true sense of the word) either.

The lack of 'super' emanates from the poor quality trollies that never steer in a straight line meaning that you spend 90% of your time in there trying not to destroy the inevitable point-of-sale display that has been created with the sole purpose of being mown down and making you look like an idiot.

Also what is not super is when you finally run out of food and decide that the best place to buy it would be said 'Supermarket'. Oh no...generally most things are out of stock because someone else has purchased all of everything. On a recent shopping trip with my esteemed housemate Ed there was no bread available because it was all locked away in the bakery section with no method of retrieving it - Ridiculous.

On the 'final approach' to the checkout you realise that you threw your shopping list in the bin on the way in thinking it was another reciept and have forgotten a vital ingredient in tonights dinner. You then have to bugger around all the way to the other side of the store to retrieve it. (On arrival at home you realise you have forgotten something else but are far to shattered to bother to go back)

The lack of staff is decidedly lacking superiority much like thier ability to help you in you quest to purchase something for dinner. Then when you want to pay they decide to all stand around having a break - I guess it's pretty tiring work!? (From previous and shortlived experience I know it's not) The greatest thing however is selecting Mr or Mrs Slow as your till attendant who will do everything in thier power to stop you from leaving the store.

Also sods law dictates that you will leave your loyalty card at home and not be able to redeem any points which is highly irritating.

Once you have paid for your goods and rammed them into a poor quality (and not very green) carrier bag you will:a) get stopped by the security guard beacuse someone has left a tag on your bottle of spirits orb) have it all fall on the floor of the car park

Finally when you try to leave the car park someone will navigate thier trolley into your car and then bugger off. (NB - never go shopping at 4pm on Sunday as the last time I did I was in the car park until 5:15 just what I wanted to be doing!?)Finally the supermarket lacks 'market' in the sense that there is no one heckling and creating interest about thier wares just the genericism and lack of product differentiation that has become the norm. Bring back proper markets and more importantly market traders!

Really wish I'd gone to the pub then I wouldn't have been ranting................To you, yes you who have made it this far congratulations have a pint!

Freezing Bread

2007-03-20T11:53:00.000Z

Many people know about the joys of frozen bread, from old people who are too weak to go to the shops, to young students who are too poor to buy fresh bread. For these people and many more, freezing bread is great. You keep your bread fresh, and can use whenever you want without the fear of mouldy bread, hard bread or whatever ailments your bread can (and will!) pick up.

It was a surprise yesterday to see someone arguing the point on a DIS message board that freezing bread was wrong. I believe it was something along the lines of “until Tesco’s sell bread out of the freezer, I’m not freezing or eating frozen bread” (that’s not a direct quote).
Anyway, here is the original post and threads from it. Its pretty good reading if you have the time.

Post and Thread: If you take bread rolls out of the freezer
Post and Thread: I'd like to thank pocketmouse

So this Pocketmouse thought freezing bread was wrong, oh so wrong.
But here’s the knowledge, you’d better sit down for it.

You Can Freeze Bread. Fact.

I have attached photographs of Tesco’s Baguettes. I bought them last night. I used one and will be freezing the other. It says on the pack I can freeze it, so I will.

plus, if you don't believe that its from bread. See this pic.

Yes, my worktop is dirty. Sorry.

Klaxons

2007-03-16T23:40:00.000Z

Hardcore Raver and close personal friend Dan Paul Ingram has recently had somethings to say about New Rave, the Klaxons and the like.

The Klaxons - Oh no its Test Icicles, how similar are they, very, Discuss.

Here's his view. I couldn't be as eloquent as him, but i agree with everysingle thing he said here.

Can somebody answer a question I've been pondering since The Klaxons were on Soccer AM a couple of week ago? What the fuck is 'rave' about new rave?
It doesn't sound anything like old rave. Also, rave has existed and continues to exist in various forms since it's conception in the late 80s. None of these various forms sound anything like Klaxons. As far as I can make out, the only similarities between rave and The Klaxons are glowsticks and drugs. But seriously, if you're going to buy glowsticks and drugs, why would you waste them on The Klaxons? Nah, you'd be much better off going proper hardcore raving.

He then investigated further and came up with this little number

Right, I just want to make one thing clear from the start of this note. The only 'new rave' band I have heard anything by is The Klaxons, and I have never listened to one of their songs all the way through. I'm not going to go on about how they are shit just because I don't like them, each to their own and all that jazz. No, my problem with The Klaxons is their self-proclaimed status as a 'new rave' band.
Now for me, and this is just my view on the matter, a new version of something should bear at least some resemblance to the original version. As far as I can make out there is absolutely no similarity between rave music and 'new rave' music. Now the term rave can cover a broad spectrum of genres, but is mostly associated with the breakbeat sound of the early '90s. Early Prodigy tunes are probably the most recognisable tunes of the genre, alongside Baby D's 'Let Me Be Your Fantasy'. When I refer to rave music throughout the rest of this note, this is the type of music I am talking about. This is mainly because this is the type of rave music I think that The Klaxons are claiming to have reinvented (just so that we're clear, 'new rave doesn't sound anything like any other type of rave music either).

So, in what way are The Klaxons new rave?
Well, apparently they have made a cover version of The Bouncer, a huge rave anthem from back in the day. I haven't heard this cover version, but unless it sounds like a rave tune then this is not a valid reason to refer to the band as 'new rave'. Also they have made a cover version of 'Not Over Yet'. Leaving aside the fact that the original wasn't a rave tune, being far more nightclub orientated, this cover sounds like an indie/rock song. Why? Because that's what it is. It is not rave in any way. Just to demonstrate this point I will refer you to the happy hardcore cover of Flashdance (What a Feeling). Is this suddenly 'new power ballard'? No, it's happy hardcore. That's what it sounds like, so that's what it is.Okay, so they apparently also insert references to rave culture in some of their songs. So does The Streets, but you don't see Mike Skinner claiming to have produced 'new rave', despite the fact that his music is much closer to rave than The Klaxons have ever been.

Another, and possibly the lamest, reason I have heard for 'new rave' to use the word rave is that The Klaxons (and other 'new rave' bands too I guess) use a keyboard. Keane use a keyboard too. I don't think I really have to expand any further on that point.So, as far as I can make out, the only similarities between rave and 'new rave' is the fact that The Klaxons take rave drugs and there are lots of glowsticks at their gigs. If I was being really picky I'd say that they don't even take proper rave drugs as they're into MDMA when it was all pills back in the day, but I'll let them off there, as it's basically the same drug (3, 4 methylenedioxymethamphetam
ine for all those taking notes) just in a different form. However, I know from personal experience that you can take rave drugs pretty much anywhere (though I don't recommend doing so at Aston University Guild. Complete waste of time).
As for glowsticks, well Homer sells them on the Simpsons in one episode (Lisa the Sceptic, I believe) so there's hardly a link there.So, this 'new rave' is clearly a load of bollocks, no? Well actually, new rave does exist, in the form of rave music that is new. Check the compilation charts in HMV, Virgin, or even Woolworths, and you are more than likely to see at least one hardcore compilation album. Hardcore as it is today has evolved from the early '90s breakbeat sound. Granted, some of it has taken other influences on board (particularly from trance), but there are a number of artists out there still producing tunes that bear more than a passing resemblance to the rave tunes of old. So new rave music does exist, it just sounds nothing like the fucking Klaxons, thank God.

Peace Out,
Dan

If you like this from Dan Paul Ingram you can see more here and here

Ash minus Charlotte

2007-03-12T13:37:00.000Z

Ash are back with new single, “You Can’t Have It All” and are also back to their original line up.

This (as you may already know if you have been reading any kind of music media for the last year) means that they have lost Charlotte Hatherley, “thank god” I hear you cry “this will mean a return to the awesomeness of 1977” you shout joyfully, and some sexist men in their mid 20’s will rejoice with “no more girls in the band!”.

This however, is about as far from the truth as you can be. They have decided instead of losing the girl and growing some balls, to actually shrink their balls and invert them, turning them into Pussy's, all just to make up for the lack of a woman in the band.

Keiths Equation goes something like this

Tim, Mark & Rick + Charlotte Hatherley = 3 Guys and a Girl
Tim, Mark & Rick - Charlotte Hatherley = 3 Pussys

Plus, they’ve used synths/keyboards on their new single, why?
Cos they are so fucking un-original they’ve had to just copy what everyone else is doing at the moment, just like when they had a DJ doing scratching or sampling or whatever when they released Nu Clear Sounds, cos everyone else was doing it.

Dammit, why do I love Ash, I should hate them really

Discuss

In other news on my music listening, I am surprised to announce I really quite like the new Maximo Park and the new Rakes songs, they are pretty awesome.

Open Your Eyes

2007-03-08T13:37:00.000Z

If you, like me, are strangely drawn to liking the new Snow Patrol single “Open Your Eyes” then have no fear, cold blue reason is here.

Reason is here, but sadly, it may anger you as much as it quells that rage inside you. Inside me there is a lot of rage, if you read Keith Reviews often, you'll know i have a lot of rage, but the ones towards Snow Patrol at present are as follows

- Why do you now suck so much
- Why do you play nothing off the first two albums when you play live. You only really play “Olive Grove….” Which however beautiful a song doesn’t compare to “On/Off” or “Fifteen Minutes Old”.
- Just cos you are now a big band doesn't mean you can make music that sucks so much
- What the hell happened between Gary Lightbody and Mark McCelland?

These are just a few choice items, a full list would bore you

But my most relevant one refers back to the opening line that I have made into bold lettering. The new single, it sounds familiar to me. Much like the opening chords to “America” by Razorlight sounded familiar, then i realised that they were pretty similar to the opening chords of “Honey and the Moon” by Joseph Arthur, only a Snow Patrol's chords are hell of a lot more, similar, its almost like they are exactly the same.

Here are two songs that are the same

* SONG A
* SONG B

The difference being is a slight change of pace, and I mean slight. This is all still within the basic chord structure.

Its not only the fact that Snow Patrol completely ripped off this songs chords, the rest of its the same.

If we were to also review the song structure. The two songs are identical there. The guitar chords with the vocals over, building to a big crescendo with distorted guitars / strings coming in the finish off the song with a flourish and a bit of passion, well, as much passion as Snow Patrol can muster nowadays.

What is this other song? i hear you ask, who performed it? Why, its “Slow Song” by “Hell is for Heroes” that was on the album “The Neon Handshake” released in March 2003. This album is one of my favourite albums of all time. It’s a phenomenal debut that rose from the fallout of Symposium. In fact, Kerrang readers voted it 58th best rock album of all time. That’s pretty good for Five Kids from Camden.

No Kissing No Make Up, No Lipstick No Breakup, Cos Everything is Over Now.

Did you see the Cake link. £1 challenge right there.
Post your answer as a comment.

Captain Nintendo - The Game Master

2007-03-04T17:02:00.000Z

I was hungover this morning, and after realising that I had a crazy dream some time ago where Ross had told me that he'd got tickets for the NFL game at Wembley (he hadnt, he'd only registered), i started to question some of my other "off the chart" memories. Like a cartoon about human sized mice, who were vigilanties, and who rode motorbikes, and had crazy voices and wore crazy clothes, oh yeah, and they were from Mars. Yep, Mice that drive Bikes who are from Mars. Oh wait, there was it was Biker Mice from Mars!

Anyway, that was just a thought provoker, seeing as the premice for that cartoon was completely wacky, zany and out of the box, 90's style. It can now be used as a basis to show how random cartoons from my childhood were. Like the one i am writing this article about.

So, i was hungover this morning, and got onto the subject of cartoons for some reason. They all believed that a TV show i thought was around in my youth was just a figment of my imagination. I tried to explain, to laughs, giggles and general mockery, that there was a cartoon where an ordinary kid got sucked into his Nintendo and had to do battle with Nintendo villians and one strange "Evil Eggplant". Yeah, it sounded crazy, but i was sure that i had watched it.

I gave up trying to tell them about the cartoon and then failed miserably to prove i was not still drunk and am certainly not mental. Fast forward to this evening, and after spending all day watching cartoons back home i decided it was time to find out if i was mental. If i was, then hell, i would be checking into a hospital for a psych evaluation tomorrow.

Onto Wikipedia, the best website in the world. I went to Super Mario, then through to the TV show, and somehow found my way onto Captain Nintendo, reading down to the origin of the show and the premice, and BANG! i was totally fucking right, 100% correct, damn i am good.

Its a show about a kid and his dog that get sucked into Videoland through a vortex in his television whilst he is playing Nintendo. He becomes Captain N: The Game Master" and must fulfil a prophecy to save Videoland from the evil forces.

Captain N and Link - Its Almost Like They Are The One and the Same

I was even right about there being an Evil Eggplant, it was Eggplant Wizard, who featured in Kid Icarus. Awesomeness!

Eggplant Wizard - Looking Pretty Angry with his Gay Lover

You can read the whole article here.

Plus i am currently watching Sonic Underground, and one of the baddies has Brains voice (Brain of "Pinky and the Brain" fame), and is set on taking over the world. No change there then.

Other cartoons i am currently enjoying on this lazy hungover wet and windy sunday include
- SpongeBob SquarePants
- Super Mario
- Fairly Off Parents
- Emperors New School

I also watched the pretty poor animated film "Kronks New Groove", it was tat, and the whole time i kept thinking about Joe Swanson from Family Guy, as he does the voice of Kronk. I kept expecting him to shout "Lets Get It On!!!". I do however, love the character of the Emperor, Kuzco, i have to go buy that film tomorrow.

The Kerrang Tour 2007

2007-03-02T11:27:00.000Z

I must be out of touch with rock and metal, probably getting old or something. Kerrang would say I was totally out of touch with Rock and Metal, that is seeing as I thought two bands on the Kerrang Tour SUCKED.

I don’t know if it was a clever ploy to make sure that the crowd appreciated the two bands topping the bill, or whether they really thought the first two bands were really good up and coming bands. Either way, I was surprised at the levels of sucking involved between 6pm and 8pm on Saturday night at the Astoria.

First up were “I Am Ghost” and fuck me they were awful. I thought that Shane McGowan was the ugliest lead singer I have ever seen, that was until I saw this walking streak of piss fannying around on stage. It didn’t help them that along with sucking in every which way, they had a freaking female violinist in the band. I don’t know whether they were going for the Yellowcard look, or maybe Arcade Fire, but god damn, neither or in any other way did it work. You’ve got one ugly bastard singing, badly, one woman playing the violin and singing like that chick from Evanescence and oh, I can’t write any more, it didn’t work, they were fucking awful.

I Am Ghost - Style over Substance? How about neither

Then we were subjected to even more aural abuse in the form of The Audition. The picture I have posted must have been photoshopped by a master, and the stylist did a great job making them look pretty good, considering that on walking onto stage they looked like a bunch of pre pubescent pussy’s who couldn’t even muster up the balls to say boo to a goose.

The Audition - How Stupid Do You Look? Very. You Pricks

Now they are called on their myspace and website as a punk rock band, I am glad that the band that followed showed the kids how to do it properly, but after a tour like this, I am so surprised they still sucked as badly as they did. There was no heart or passion, no riffs, it was like watching some High School band who had ideas well above their station, and not in a good Hundred Reasons - Ideas Above Their Station kinda way, in a really bad Chico way. I’d have rather watched RUFiO for Christ sake.
I also noticed that not only did the lead singer have a pigeon chest, he was the campest lead singer of a punk band I have seen that didn’t wear make up of sparkly clothing (saw the New York Dolls at Reading the other year, feather boas and all!). He went around stage with a limp wrist and played with his hair more than I do with mine, and I use GHD’s. This is not saying that camp singers are bad, or anything, its just, well, its was a little strange to be singing about chicks and hetero relationships when you're acting like that. I hope you understand and dont take this a slur on gay punk singers.

So, to surmise, both bands were walking streaks of piss fannying around on stage, who sucked more than a room full of coked up hookers getting paid by the blow.

Then came the good stuff. Real good stuff, goosebump goodness in the form of Biffy Clyro, and a slice of American rock and fucking roll from The Bronx. That made my night, the way it started though, it could have been a really really bad night.

Biffy Clyro - They Were Amazing. Fact

Thinking of Going to the Cinema?

2007-03-01T16:44:00.000Z

Wow, going to the cinema has never been so exciting, with great releases that I can really get excited about hitting hard and fast over the rest of the year, I can hardly keep my arse on the seat as I type, sod it, I am now typing whilst running to the bus stop to get a bus to the cinema to go watch some films!!!!!

Now, there are two things that you can pick me up on here

1) I live in Milton Keynes, and have a car, why would I be running for the bus.
2) I don’t go to the cinema often, and regularly moan about shitty films.

Yeah, you’re right, but it was just a lure to get you into my newest blog, on the medium of film and cinema going. Right then, up up up and away!!!!

I used to love going to the cinema, it was a treat, an activity to do with friends, somewhere to go on a date that didn’t involve any socialising for a couple of hours, more than anything it was an the big screen picture, surround sound coupled with is relative cheapness compared to renting from Blockbuster.

Then things changed.

Technology is a wonderful thing and has changed the world of Home Entertainment and Film, for the better in my eyes. You can now purchase DVD’s for £3 from anywhere, even good ones like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas or pure comedy gold like National Lampoons Gold Diggers (Yes i am joking, its a shocking film). You can also download HiDef television and films from the internet for free (illegally, I know its wrong, but hey). Add this onto the beautiful HiDef televisions many people have, the surround sound, a comfy sofa and the peace and quiet of their own home, and I can see why the cinema is dying on its arse.

I went to see Blood Diamond the other night, it was a pretty good film, it surprised me in many ways, and for once I thoroughly enjoyed a film that I had not even considered viewing, and seen it at the cinema.
However, there were many things that were wrong with my viewing and general cineman experience that have put me off visiting the cinema again any time soon.

These are

1) The Prices,
2) The Seating
3) The Air Con
4) The Picture and Sound Quality
5) Other People

It may need to be noted, this was at the Odeon at Marble Arch. Maybe this will make a difference to your opinion, but to me, a cinema is a cinema, and one in Central London, that’s a big brand name, should be leading the way, not raping its consumers in all manner of different ways.

PRICES

It costs £9.50 to go see a film. So for a couple, that £19, that’s an extortionate amount to spend on 2 odd hours sitting in a seat watching moving pictures. Especially coupled with points 2 through 5.
I am surprised they get away with it, I know that football teams are in the press due to high ticketing prices, but Cinemas should be in the dock too. I could have bought an entire box set of DVDs for that and watched them on my HiDef TV with my 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound on my Leather Sofa in Peace and Quiet eating my own Freshly Made Popcorn and drinking my Cold Coke out of a proper glass.

Look at it another way, I can fly to pretty much anywhere in Europe for £20, but can only go to the cinema with date for that. That’s rubbish. Fact.

With all this just on price I don’t really need to follow through with the rest, but I will cos my blood is boiling a bit now, and I am on a roll.

SEATS

They were bloody tiny, I mean TINY (how communicating the diminutive size of the seats can be executed well by using large, capitals made bold I don’t know, it seemed like a good idea and I can’t be arsed to change it now). They are tiny in both their width and their leg room. The seat I had on my last EasyJet flight over the Prague was far more comfortable and had far more leg room than the cinema. Plus I didn’t have people constantly traipsing past me to get to their seats.

AIR CON

Talk about not getting it right, I had hot and cold flushes like a menopausal women the air con was so intermittent.

PICTURE AND SOUND QUALITY

Fair enough, the sound and quality in Marble Arch Odeon was alright as cinemas go, but hell, I have seen some god damn awful quality of picture in my time. Watching on a projector I borrowed from work was better than the cinema. Then there's the sound, most places sound is on par, but some I have been to have two speakers and a sub, that’s about it. I tell you, never, ever, go to the Odeon on New Street in Birmingham. Its awful, for both picture and sound quality. Fact.

PEOPLE

Why talk through a film? That is the question. With the payment of such large moneys and tight seats I want peace and quiet, possibly a small whisper between me and whoever I am with, but not proper talking. I know I didn’t want to bring up London, but just because its London doesn’t mean you can talk through it, assholes.

So...to summise
I cannot believe how awful my "big screen experience" was. If I have one general, justified piece of hatred for London, it’s the Cinema, and I am fine with that for London, but I am not fine with the Cinema’s in general. Something needs to be done, soon.

When you can have such a great experience at home, why go out?

Brothers in Law, Not in Looks

2007-03-01T16:08:00.000Z

So, I was surfing the internet the other month, and I came across a strange and weird fact.
Its not normally I get surprised by anything on IMDb and their amazing links between people, but this one took the biscuit.

So, I cannot write trash for a while, its just a short blog toady, here ya go, if you hadn’t already scrolled down to the pics and the text below.

Giovanni Ribisi and Beck are Brother In Laws

Yes, they are. Random huh?

Ladies and Gentlemen - Dan Ingram

2007-01-28T12:55:00.000Z

Dan Paul Ingram, ladies man, hardcore raver, Stroud Homeboy and my friend (that’s the most important one) has once more gone up in my estimation.

You may remember Dan from such videos as “Annoying Dan” and “Welcome to your day of Hell”. The Annoying Dan video has over 50 views on YouTube and I cannot even find it when I search for it, I was the one who put it online for christs sake.

So, Dan wrote a note on his FaceBook and I had to put it on my blog because I agree with absolutely everything he says, its also miles better written than anything I could imagine writing. Plus, the bonus note is slagging off Lampard, whilst defending Reading FC HERO Stephen Hunt

So, to Dan’s FaceBook Note

Joey Barton is Ace. Fact

Over the past month or so, Joey Barton has become my favourite player that does not play for Aston Villa (with the possible exceptions of Thomas Hitzlsperger and Burnley's new signing Joey Gudjonsson). He seems to me to be a footballer who lives in the real world, a very rare thing indeed.

The main reason for my new found respect for Barton is his comments made a few weeks ago.

"I'd never write a book unless I'd done something," Barton said in an interview with The Times. "I've achieved nothing in this game. Nothing. Maybe in time, if I achieve everything I want and I win trophies, I'll write a book. But what I have done in my career? 'And there was this one season we finished eighth at Manchester City . . .' You know what I mean? England did nothing in that World Cup, so why were they bringing books out? 'We got beat in the quarter-finals. I played like shit. Here's my book.' Who wants to read that? I don't."

Of course this is very true. Who does want to read about how Rooney lost the plot again, about how Lampard wasn't able to score a trademark deflected goal, or how Ashley Cole is just a disgusting, despicable money-grabbing selfish cunt who personifies everything that's wrong with the game today? Not I. It's about time somebody told these fucking nobheads the truth, which is why I commend Barton. While Barton has soared in my estimation, Lampard has dropped further still after his pathetic and hypocritical response (courtesy of Football365):

"I don't think Joey should talk about me and Steve Gerrard, that probably says enough. As a professional - and I know I'm talking about another player now - you shouldn't talk about other players too much."

Yes, this is the same Frank Lampard who publicly condemned Theo Walcott's inclusion in the England squad. Yes, this is the same Frank Lampard who launched a scathing attack on Stephen Hunt the day after an accidental challenge. Yes, this is the Frank Lampard who blasted the same player two months later for not visiting Cech in hospital, despite Hunt's explanation that he wrote to Cech asking if he could visit and received no reply. And yes, this is the same Frank Lampard who told The Sun in December that: "Lehmann shows no respect to anyone on the pitch."

It's the attitude of people like Lampard, Ashley Cole, Rio fucking Ferdinand, Stevie G etc. that has led me to actually hate the England team. Don't get me wrong, I still want England to win. I just hate most of the players. Hopefully the squad for the Spain friendly will feature a few new faces, including Barton, and not just be the same mixture of underperforming big names and useless players from 'big' clubs (Kieran Richardson, anyone?). However, will this make a difference to England overall? I doubt it. Even if the team against Spain includes a number of new, deserving, players (I'm thinking of Barton, Barry, Nolan, Dawson etc) who perform well, come the qualifiers we will revert back to the usual selection of over-rated 'stars'.

So will Barton's rant actually change things? I doubt it, but hopefully it should show to these 'superstars' that not everybody worships the ground that they walk on, and also it should, I hope, boost Barton's popularity amongst normal football fans.

Anyway, that's probably enough ranting for now. I've got to go and make my lunch before American Idol starts.

Stay safe,

Dan

Supermarket Checkouts

2007-01-24T21:20:00.000Z

Wow, a massive store that has everything from Domestic Items, Entertainment, Frozen Foods, Grocery, Deli, Butcher and much much more. I must go shop there every week because its just so much easier than trapsing around the multiple shops in a run down town centre getting rained on or sweaty.
If that sounds like your attitude to supermarkets, then you’re not going to like what I have to say.

However much I like Supermarkets, I have spent WAY to much time in them over the last 18 months, i’ve made a quick calculation on how many times I have stepped into a supermarket over this time period, I reckon its over 1,500 times.
Shit. That’s a hell of a lot of times to visit supermarkets

I believe that this entitles me to slag off one of the many aspects that I hate about Supermarket shopping. Nay, two. The one I have just thought of is more annoying

What do I have to do in order to purchase regular sweetcorn in Tesco Extra Milton Keynes Kingston? What I ask, all they ever have is Organic and SuperSweet Organic. Rubbish.

My main hate is this.

The Checkout.

There are 4 reasons, I will go through them numerically

1) Old People
2) Parent(s) with Child/Children
3) More Checkouts Opening
4) People Who Cannot Pack by Themselves
5) New Self Automated Checkouts

1) Old People
Check out this guy, he’s old, he’s shopping, he can hardly see over the conveyer belt. He also fumbles with his cash, doesn’t know his pin number and takes ages packing.
I don’t have a solution for this problem, but god damn it fucking annoys me. Maybe we could have slow and fast lanes in supermarket checkouts. More on this later

2) Parents and Kids
Mother fuckers, they bring kids to the supermarket who run off, play bogeys, shout, cry and have tantrums, tarnishing my shopping experience, both in store and at checkout. Even the well behaved ones are a pain in the ass, cos no kid should be well behaved all the time, its just wrong, and then they start talking to the freaking checkout operator. Babies, BABIES, they are the worst, crying, screaming, pissing and shitting everywhere, and when they’re good and cute, the checkout operators go all gushy, then wave bye bye and don’t pay enough attention to the shopping I have piled up on the fucking on the conveyer belt. Like today, I was in a supermarket, and all my shopping was on the belt, waiting, and the woman in front was carrying her small child. She hadn’t properly packed her shopping, and took ages to get her card and her pin entered cos she had a kid in her arms. Then when she’d finally finished her checkout experience she wasted even more time by getting the kid to wave goodbye to the checkout operator, who fucking responds, GET OUT OF THE WAY YOU FUCKERS, I AM HUNGRY, WANT TO GO HOME, GET OUT OF MY WAY SO I CAN FINISH SHOPPING YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE.
Sorry for the caps lock, it broke. Damn kids in supermarkets.

3) New Checkouts Opening
You know its happened to you, you are waiting in line and someone behind gets to the checkout next to you before you can mobilise your shopping, this regularly occurs to me when the one next to me gets opened by some chav with big gold earings who smells of shit perfume. As I stated, with over 1,500 visits in the last 18 months, I am an expert, and however it works I always get screwed by this. There should be a law against people behind you getting in front of you, its etiquette, but some people, especially in Supermarkets, are fucking rude bastards.

4) People Who Cannot Pack by Themselves
God Dammit. You have your shopping, there are bags to put it in, then you put it in your trolley. Its not that difficult is it? Yes? Really? Get out.
It grates me, they screw up everything else and then cannot even pack their own shopping. My solution, apart from culling them, is to have special lanes for people who are competent and qualified at packing shopping. That along with these lanes being graded for people proficient in the use of Self Automated Checkouts, non OAP’s, and people without any children in tow, or at home to buy for. This would solve ALL the checkout problems. That along with banning talking to checkout operators because this wastes precious time, and including special benefits for groups of people who are all qualified for checkout use as a larger group will be able to work together to get through the checkout faster than a single person in relative terms.

5) New Self Automated Checkouts
All of the above have problems with SAC’s, massive problems. Fucking assholes, use normal checkouts. Check out this guy (pun intended), imagine being stuck behind him in the self checkout at a Sainsburys. Nightmare

Make me a politician, and I will sort out the fucking checkout problems

The New Kellogs Rice Krispies Advert

2007-01-23T18:20:00.000Z

I love Kellogg’s Rice Krispies, they are freaking ace. FACT
Their advertising has been good too, with the little folks, Snap, Crackle and Pop. That was until now.

If you have not seen the new advert, you are a lucky person. I would love to post the video here, but I cannot find it on that video hosting website.

I will set out the premise henceforth:

Little girl asks mum why long grain white rice isn’t snapping, crackling or popping (SCP)
Mum says its cos Kellogg’s haven’t got hold of the rice yet
Girl asks mum why the Kellogg’s ones are doing the SCP thing
Mum says it’s because you need to add milk
Mum adds the milk
Mum points out the SCP grains
Girl tells mum she is WRONG and points out which ones are which
Mum and Girl laugh.

This is a shit advert. Really shit.

The agency brief probably went something like this:

“We at Kellogg’s want to bring the cereal into the 21st century; we want to keep the warm, light-hearted tone of the advertising but move away from the SCP cartoons of yesteryear.
We would like the following elements included in our advert
- Mother and Child
- Milk added to “activate” the cereal
- Reference to Snap, Crackle and Pop
Thanks,
Kellogg’s Brand Team”

Kellogg’s pretty much fucked themselves in the ass here. The advertising agency then got out a dildo and did double anal on the Kellogg’s brand team. When it was sent to air, they got fucked in the mouth, and when it eventually aired, that was the airlock on the Brand Manager of Rice Krispies. I hope he gets sacked for it.

So.
My review of the advert.

Girl asks mother a question.
Mother teaches Daughter the facts
Girl asks mother another question
Mother teaches Daughter the facts, again
Mother elaborates on second fact, pre-empting Daughters persistent questions
Daughter smacks mother in the face by telling her she’s wrong.

Right about now the daughter would be drowning slowly in a milky rice krispified bowl of death. What’s that beloved daughter, although you know shit all about rice, cereal and dairy produce, and are only in primary school, you think that you are clever enough to work out the difference between the sounds of snapping, crackling and popping? No, you are not. I’m gonna go to jail for some child abuse but at least it’ll stop you arguing with your superiors and teachers ever again. Make this a lesson learnt. Bitch

That’s what would happen. Fact

Anyway, I also saw this, its ace. Good work Freaking News

Norah Jones

2007-01-22T21:28:00.000Z

I was going to write a short review, very short. It went like this
“Shes fucking BORING isnt she, really boring”
Then I got thinking, that’s not enough. It really really isn’t. Its not like I'm going to do a big review, just a few more words and then i'm off to watch "Time Bandits"

So, the Indian American singer has a knack for being really boring. I cannot be bothered to do a whole biog on the boring boring woman, so we’ll leave it that she’s boring.

I cannot believe how people listen to this drivel. I know The Feeling are shite, and so’s that Mika guy, what a prick, but Jones I don’t get. Name one other singer songwriter this boring that had two number one albums in the US, UK and OZ, with what looks like a third one set to do the same? No? Haven’t found one, probably cos people fell asleep during the first album, then forgot, bought the second one for a laugh, fell asleep again and would want to buy a third? Idiots, that’s who. Fucking Morons.
If you’ve got one of her albums, you’ve probably heard all you need to hear. Why put yourself through the pain all over again.

I’ve always said that if I’m ever at a dinner party and someone plays Norah Jones I will break the CD and leave. I really would love to write this with conviction, and I am.

“If anyone ever plays Norah Jones at a Dinner Party I’m at, I will break the CD and walk out”
Keith Allen 22/01/07

I hate her, shes fucking boring, bland and rubbish. Stop buying her fucking records to play at your dinner parties and when you’re driving around in your Volvo.

That Fat Bird from "The Gossip"

2007-01-22T20:24:00.000Z

I neither loathe nor love The Gossip as a band, I mean, I actually like that "Standing in the Way of Control" song, especially the Soulwax Remix, so what follows may seem a tad strange.
One of my lines of abuse towards NME's Coolest Person in the World last Friday was as follows

'Fat But Proud'
"What the hell is there to be proud of. You are morbidly obese, you are going to die. Fact"

Anyway,
I am sure those who know me will comment that i am not slim, nor very athletic at present, and i should not be "fatty bashing" cos give it a few months. . . .hell, i'd eat fast, lets say weeks. . . of eating pie, chips, cakes and lard an yeah, me and Beth Ditto might just about be on a level of fatness.

You may also comment that i too, am a mouthy fucker. I think this whole blog is about me being mouthy, and with no one wanting to hear me shout my mouth off down the pub or at work, I use this blog as an outlet to vent my annoyance with the world.

That doesnt matter now though, cos i am not properly fat like Beth Ditto and am not in the public eye or a semi famous band, so no one really cares if i mouth off from time to time.

So with that boring as hell pre-cursor for my actual post, i will continue with my story.

I was bored at work the other week, and was checking out Drowned in Sound for my latest hit on music news that doesnt suck balls like NME.
Then i saw this article and was then attracted to the following photo

I tell you, seeing that fat sweaty mouth frontwoman on my laptop really didnt do me much good. I know work baguettes are horrible, but i really nearly did a sick in my mouth. Ughh, what a horrible sight.

I decided that as i was bored, i could embark on a bit of fun in the afternoon, do a bit of fatty bashing, piss off a few internet music chumps and see how many times people could call me a prick, virgin or any other nasty words.

The result was astounding. I did not realise how many people were sympathisers with this fat monstrosity. So many of these posters were supporting the fat chick.

I pressed on being more abusive, and increasingly rude. I thought this was fun and spent my friday evening laughing about it.

"i think its positive that shes fat"
What, so, if she wasnt fat it wouldnt be positive, if she was a slim, healthy lead singer rather than a sweaty fatty, it would be a bad thing?

Plus, whats positive about being fat? Nothing. Fact

"I think beth ditto is brilliant and hopefully inspiring"
Hmm, brilliant, insipiring. Lets have a look at how she can be all those things on stage (i will leave some space as to not spoil the illusion.

Really, Really? Brilliant, Inspiring, the only thing that she inspires me to do is go and puke up my freaking lunch. Put your clothes back on, no one wants to see you naked, and dont think being gay is an excuse to be fat and take your clothes off, that goes for you too Matt Lucas, put some fucking clothes on you fat cock sucker.

I think you need to read the article in DIS to appreciate how much people hate me over there. I did succeed in my quest for abuse i got called the following

Virgin
Deluded
Confused Creep

There are more, but my favourite one is

CUNT

Yes someone on DIS called me a Cunt. Job complete i do believe.

Keith Out

Sleeping

2007-01-04T23:19:00.000Z

My body is fucking stupid, really really fucking stupid.

So, this evening, after returning from work around half six, going shopping to tesco and returning about half seven, and cooking dinner and eating it by half eight everything seemed to be normal.

Conscious - Check
Awake - Check
Watching TV - Check

Then it all went wrong, whilst re-locating to my bedroom to watch South Park at 9pm, i passed out. Now, normally this isnt too much of a problem. Fall asleep in bed at 9pm, chances are you are gonna just sleep right the way through to the morning.

Wrong.

My stupid mother fucking body decided at 11pm to wake me up, slowly. Consciousness was slowly regained and the dawning realisation that it was not morning, but even later at night occured. It was not pleasent i tell you. I even ironed a pair of jeans and two t-shirts. Jeans?! I NEVER iron jeans, EVER.

So, after blogging about how fucking stupid my fucking body is, i am now off to keep Ross (housemate) awake by bumbling around my room cleaning it up till i can pass out from boredom, rather than tiredness. I really hope that the cricket stays on for a while, that will bore the hell out of me.

I mean come on, a "Game" that lasts 5 Days, it isnt a sport, it certainly doesnt lend itself to even being a spectator sport, its just rubbish. Lets throw balls at some bits of wood, and someone will stop it with a bigger piece of wood. Only the English could think of something so fucking stupid and make it into a National Game. I am glad we lost the ashes. The only reason i was happy last time was so i could give my Australian mate some shit, mainly along the lines of

"Rugby World Cup, The Ashes and you're shit at Football"

Now i realise winning the Ashes t'other year was a curse, all these twats loving cricket, talking about it, defending it, christ, its fucking boring. I liked the national pride and doing some aussie bashing, but i now realise the consequences of these actions and regret it totally. At least now we're useless at the sport we invented again and no one will be talking about it for a good few years till it comes around again.
Looks like a 5-0 drubing in the series, getting spanked every game, at least it will put those jumped up "gamers" in their place, it aint a sport, is a game for posh people.

Keith "not tired at all" Allen Out

Album of 2006 - The Reckoning

2007-01-02T20:36:00.000Z

I have thought long and hard about my album of the year. I wrote a post a month or so ago and have , in the words of the great Lloyd Grossman been "Deliberating, Cogitating and Digesting, and have come to a conclusion"

Yes, there are two albums that are getting proper recognition to making 2006 a great year, and they are both great for different reasons, all of which will be explained. But first one that hasnt been released yet, but is the best I have heard this year.

My Un-Official Album of 2006

The Cooper Temple Clause - Make This Your Own

I got this album off the net in Early Nov, and havent taken it out of my car stereo. Its an amazing album and due to my FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT WORK LAPTOP'S HARDDRIVE BREAKING AND BEING UPREPAIRABLE i don't have my awesome review, so i'll work on it again.

Its a great album, and its not released till later on this year. Go buy it, i know i will.

Before we come to my album of 2006, i will give a few mentions expanding from my list in earlier post

Honourable Mentions

BoyKillBoy - Civilian
I saw these guys on a boat on the Thames in London at Carling Live 24 early 2006. They were really good live, crisp clean and i liked the upbeat poppy rock sound. If these guys hadnt broke in 06 i am pretty sure that The Lashes would have done so instead. From the first to last, this album didnt dissapoint, but constant listens, it does get a bit boring, but leave it a while, come back and BAM! its back at its punchy, poppy, best

Four Day Hombre - Experiments in Living
After a Bday Booze-Up in Northampton in January we were flicking Channels to find some tunes and we all shut up and listened at their debut single The First Word Is The Hardest played on the now defunct Amp channel. This is the album opener, haunting, melodic, painful and epic. The album is more downbeat and not very radio friendly bar debut single and follow up 1000 Things, its got a meloncholly feel to it and you need to be in the right mind to listen. Its not emo, its not scene, its a damn good, hard working, hard touring bands self funded debut that needs more recognition that it seems to have recieved. Go buy it and keep your eyes peeled for them in 2007

The Kooks - Inside In / Inside Out
First heard Sofa Song way back in 2005, followed by You Don't Love Me and Eddies Gun. The album starts well and gets weaker, other singles grew on me but due to the size they are, the sales and arrogance i can in no way promote this album. They were pretty good at TITP and Reading Festival, SMiff said they were ace at Barfly, but get another album out to fill your live set with some great tunes and not just playing the whole album, cos it does get weak and boring towards the end.

I had to have a second place Album of 2006, so here it is

Runner Up
Phoenix - Its Never Been Like That
The lead singer and film director Sofia Copolla are an item. Fact. Now i got that out of the way back to why i love this album. The third offereing from the Frenchmen is polished and what can be described as a Complete Album. It works, there are no loose ends, weak tracks or changes in direction. Its a beauty to behold and i couldnt stop listening to it over the summer. You may have heard the singles Long Distance Call or Consolation Prizes over the summer, and if you liked them, check the rest of the album out.

Winner - Keiths Album of 2006

The Rifles - No Love Lost

I saw them support the Subways in 2005 and they were good. The album is great, its got variety within their set parameters, making it a complete album, one that has cohesive tracks, but is varied enough to keep you listening and not bored. Its not groundbreaking, its not like its new and scene and fun but god damn, this album is the nuts. Maybe i am old, and like hearing things that comfort me, no, its not that, its that sometimes when musical genres work, they just do and these guys make it work for them. The singles are great, my favourite songs follow each other on the album, its nice when it works like that. They contrast, Peace and Quiet being a pumpy guitar driven song, in a kin to Eddies Gun, but better. Spend a Lifetime is a quieter song, acoustic with surprisingly good vocals that hold the song well. I dont want to write anymore, i have probably already ruined the album for you, but at less than £7 in all good record stores its worth investing, also, they are great live, and are touring in March.

Thats All Folks

Stupid Piece of Shit Technology

2007-01-02T20:14:00.000Z

What, Technology Makes Your Life Easier? Bullshit.

Only if you back up your work, music, pictures and videos.

I cried on New Years Eve when my External Hard Drive decided that it was "Corrupt"

Keith, Crying? What A Pansy.

Fuck You, with almost 100gb of tunes, 110gb of videos (tv and film) and the worst thing,

30gb of Irreplaceable Photos going back to 2002. Yeah, i'd say its worth crying about

Then, to top it all off, my Work Laptop had broken a few days earlier, and i find that not only have i lost all of my Work, but also a fair few word docs with various reviews on. Like my albums of the year and new album reviews that i took hours writing up.

Not only that, but the fucking pricks in I.T (outsourced to IBM, our phone calls go to Poland or somewhere and they can't understand simple English, let alone technical issues, which in anycase are re-reouted to the team in the office) said it hapens with these HP hard drives, they just stop working.

THEY STOP FUCKING WORKING FOR NO FUCKING REASON YOU PIECE OF SHIT I.T BASTARD, WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN, THAT HP ARE UNABLE TO MAKE A LAPTOP HARD DRIVE THAT DOESNT FUCKING LAST MORE THAN A FUCKING YEAR YOU USELESS MOTHER FUCKER? YES? HP AND IBM ARE THE BIGGEST WASTE OF SPACE ON THE PLANET, WELL I WONT BOTHER EVER USING ANY OF YOUR PIECE OF SHIT EVER AGAIN YOU FILTHY CORPORATE ROACHES

I wouldnty take a dump on IBM, oh, maybe i will

Technology has fucked 2007 up for me so far. I will never trust a machine again.

Injury Lawyers 4U

2007-01-02T10:11:00.000Z

Just seen an advert on Sky for Injury Lawyers 4U.

Its got this woman on it who's selling you the service they offer. Shes supposed to be a lawyer.

She fucking scares me, i wouldnt want her managing my case, or any sexual requirements i might (and do) have.

You know why she scares me, cos she doesnt blink.

She's walking along, telling you how hard she will work on your case, no blinking needed here sh thinks, and stares the camera out like it was a freaking staring competition like on Big Train.

Then she's boxing, saying she works hard and plays hard by using a gym as a location. She verbally tells you that shes tough enough to handle your case (and beat you off if you try to rape her, beat off as in punch, not masturbate you, sickos), she still doesnt blink.

Then on the close she finally blinks, just once, its scary cos the moment has been built up for so long its like its not real, shes just done it to fuck with you.

Damn Injury Lawyers 4U, damn them to hell

Annoying Dan

2006-12-07T17:33:00.000Z

It was hilarious at the time.

Not sure how it holds up in teh cold light of a non drunk, not stoned, not bored way but god damn it was fun

This is Dan, he is ace. But now the hair is gone.

this is the video, its also ace, he also still has his hair

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7kE69tEBF8

Child Exploitation

2006-12-05T18:01:00.000Z

Disney, an Ethical Company?

Founded by Walt “McCarthy Loving” Disney in 1923, it has now plummeted to new depths in their bid to market their films towards young children.
Not only this, the lovely Ellie from Newsround has got on board with an article on it. Christ, is the whole world going mad? Yes.

The ITC (Independent Television Committee) recently stopped adverts aimed at children during daytime and early evening television. This will have led to many companies being screwed, how do we get our message to our target audience? Simple, get to them in the schools. That’s a prime plan to exploit not only the school, but the teachers and parents too

Krispy Kreme’s are going it in the states, from my previous article, I find it as sickening as McDonalds link with football, but that’s what Big Business can do with their money and power.

Disney have found a way to exploit it even more, and ensured that they’ve covered their backs with “Fitness” as its core.

So, to what Disney are doing that’s so bad, you might not think it’s so bad, but when you look at the current climate of marketing to children, it’s disgusting.

So, to “High School Musical”. This film was made for TV, the Disney Channel and was plastered all over Sky earlier this year (sept). It was also backed up by a soundtrack that was in the Billboard 100. The DVD has been released recently and backed up by lots of FSDU’s in major retailers (Free Standing Display Units), as is normal with major releases.

Nothing unusual here then you think. Hmmm, what else can they do?

They have started up dance classes, learning the moves from the film, with proper professionals teaching the primary school children in schools all the moves. They all get the T-Shirts and dance around thinking they are having fun and getting fit.

This was featured on todays Newsround, wih someone at school praising it. The clips of the children dancing had a massive banner in the background advertising the films release on DVD.
All this in the run up to Christmas. Nice.

So Disney are targeting children, in schools, kids who might not have even heard about the movie and praising it, they are getting kids to want the DVD as some of the Bonus Features have the dance routines on teaching the moves. They are masquerading it as fitness, but it’s a terribly transparent marketing exploitation.

Bill Hicks hated marketers, thought they were the Devil. He once told marketers in his audience to go hang themselves.

I don’t agree, just the Disney ones can go hang themselves.

Keith Out

Where Have You Been?

2006-12-04T22:06:00.000Z

Dalston, thats where, I've gone back to Dalston, I've gone up the junction you jumped up twat.

So after reviewing Razorlights new album, and listening i decided that i would listen to the first album again. I really really like this album, and i love the drumming.

Whats that, i thought you said you hated the drumming on the second album, yes, its a different drummer, ha, got you mothers.

I listened to "Dalston" a great track, not. I know thats lame, but i couldnt resist.

So, i thought as with most Razorlight tracks, Borrell had ripped off someone elses tunes.

"America" has an opening guitar taken straight from Joseph Arthur's "Honey and the Moon". I love that song, i hate "America" (the song, like the place, some of its people are twats, but then so are half of the UK, and hey, most of the world are twats).

But to rip off Reel Big Fish, seriously, ripping off Reel Big Fish, that takes some balls.

So, if i was clever enough to post music i would, and i will learn to i promise but check it out if you can. Hey, just do a preview on itunes.

Reel Big Fish - Where Have You Been
Razorlight - Dalston

They have the same guitar opener, the same freaking opener. Damn you Borrell

I would love to punch the skinny bastard in the face

Keith Out

Ben Thompson - Ross Kweller

2006-12-04T21:33:00.000Z

Seperated At Birth?

I am confused, who am i living with, a musician or a buyer?

Like Vix moonlighting as Carla, Ross is moonlighting as Ben Kweller, all he needs to do is dye his hair

I apologise to the quality of Ross photo, he's not a fan of photos so i nicked one off myspace. You get the picture though!

Keith Out

Ben Kweller - Ben Kweller

2006-12-04T20:42:00.001Z

Stop, Collaborate and Listen
BK's Back With My Brand New Invention!

Is 2006 the year for self titled albums, I think so.

Thankfully this album is nowhere near as atrocious as Razorlights, its an absolute joy.

I Love Ben Kweller.

Back in 1995, I was aged 12, BK was 14. I was going down to Duke of Edinburgh Award Youth Group in Reading, BK was touring the world with his band, Radish. They had a hit single in the UK with “Little Pink Stars”, it fucking rocked. They were heralded at the new Nirvana, but then again in 1995, so was pretty much anyone who was slightly grunge and had a unique selling point, like a 10 year old drummer and 14 year old lead singer.
They never released their second album, which was entitled “Sha Sha” and Mercury Records dropped Radish on their ass.

He fucked off to New York with Girlfriend and now wife, Liz and began a solo career.

It took five years for Kweller to get anything done, he released “Freak Out . . Its Ben Kweller!” with a song about his missus, Liz on it. “Sha Sha”, his first LP was released later and is an excellent album, containing the single “Wasted and Ready” alongside a remixed “Lizzy”

He then released “On My Way” and had now released his self titled third album.

That was difficult to write, I wanted you to know he’s been grafting hard for the last 11 years. He’s also had some fun, toured with Ben Lee and Ben Folds in Aus after recording “The Bens EP” with the other Bens, after touring with Kings of Leon across the world he became good friends and they played at his wedding, to Liz.

My two qualms with this album are that there are two tracks on it which should not be on it.
"Make It Up" and "I Don’t Know Why"

"Make It Up" appeared on my computer from downloading the MP3 around the time “Sha Sha” was released and "IDon’t Know Why" was originally released on “Freak Out. .”

That said, they fit in perfectly in this album and for people who are not massive fans who will be after this album, they are a treat. Also to hear the songs in their full form, polished and layered beautifully I appreciate the add.

The other stand out tracks are “Penny on the Train Track”, this is not about tying a woman up to the tracks to kill her, its about a penny, as in a 1p. It’s an uplifting song, with Kwellers somewhat melancholy vocals giving it a strange depth. “Sundress” is another beautiful uplifting song “I wait, I wait, for something good for something great” at this time where supposed genre of emo is ruling, it’s a breath of fresh air.
The whole album is uplifting, in contrast to some of Kwellers other releases. With Sha Sha and OMW being guitar led, this album is more Piano led. It would be wise to assume that a certain Mr Folds has had some influence on this, and this is not derogatory to the album. It holds well as a whole album where previous ones are collection of songs, it has a tone, a pace and always feels like kweller is wanting to rock out but doesn’t until the final track, which is short, puncy, country and dark. I love it.

If you are looking for an alternative to the likes of messers Nutini, Morrison et al, then look no further than Mr Ben Kweller. This album is beautifully crafted, beautifully produced with many layers waiting to be uncovered with each successive listen. In no way do I want to compare kweller to the aforementioned crooners, he is three or four classes above.

I don’t know how to finish this review. I love Ben Kweller, and as most of my reviews are moaning and cutthroat and hate filled I seem to have waffled a lot and spoke about how great he is, this album is great, as are his two others and the EP, go and get them all.

Keith Out

Razorlight - Razorlight

2006-12-04T19:43:00.000Z

Razorlight is an Anglo-Swedish pop band formed during the summer of 2002 around 22-year-old singer-songwriter Johnny Borrell

Well thats what Wikipedia says, i will not start my review in such a tardy manner. I mean, if Borrell thought that he was pop he would cry into his swimming pool, the indoor one, not the outdoor one its winter don't you know. Mummy and Daddy wouldnt have him outside his mansion in buckinghamshire. He attended a freaking wealthy public school. wanker

The following is wiki about Borrell, with quotes.

At the age of 17 Johnny spent every day injecting himself with heroin before ditching the needle in favour of pursuing his music goals. He alternated between "smack and coke" when he was 17 working in London, before he realized he needed to clean-up his act if has going to score to success as a rock frontman.

He says,
"I smoked my first joint when I was 13 and I was taking a lot of acid, which I gave up by 16".

"I was 17 when I first tried heroin. That was a couple of years. I used to work in Camden Market and you'd make your money in the day, then get some smack and coke. The coke would run out but the smack wouldn't".

"It got to the point where it started taking over. Every day you're looking in the mirror, wondering why you're sticking a needle in your arm."

Who said that drugs arent cool? Borrell, Brand, Doherty, Moss, its like a freaking epidemic here, i know what, lets all take heroin, get really really skinny, like heroin chic skinny, and then prance around London acting like a pretentious twat and get a record deal/modeling contract/tv and radio show/film role (delete or circle as appropriate)

So, my opening line was going to be this

I Can't Stop This Feeling I've Got
I Know Who I Am and I Know What I'm Not

Yes, Borrell, the feeling is anger that you made such a shocking album, and yes i do know who you are and what you're not. You aint Bob Dylan, Your a Twat.

So, to the start, we're going back, way back . . . . . .

I first saw Razorlight at TITP 2004, where they kicked ass, rocked out and then Borrell jumped into the crowd and ran off into the distance. Reading the NME the following week there was a kid who'd chased Borrell and got a photo with him after his reverse stage dive. I thought this was pretty cool at the time, i was 21, and still read NME. Now 23, i fucking hate NME and think Borrell was acting like a complete twat.

Then i saw em at Reading, they freaking rocked then as well, came on, played and ROCKED, it was great.

I then paid even more money to see them at Birmingham Academy in Sept 04, they were great there, but there were signs of the things to come. the song "Keep the Right Profile" which never made it onto the new album was rubbish and Borrell was acting like a twat, trying to be some poet or bollox. By then i had realised that the twat couldnt keep his clothes on during even the smallest of sets, it's as much a banker that Borrell will get his kit off as it was Peter Andre getting his six pack out back in the 90's or Ramsay getting his kit off in Kitchen Nightmares (its even in Ramsays contract!).

He continued to act toolishly with stupid quotes in webzines and newspapers, saying how great his songwriting ability was. He contradicted himself by writing and recording "Kirbys House" for the "Help" album. I am not knocking "Help" the album saved a lot of peoples lives, and was a great charity effort rather than some bullshit excuse for a charity single (think Zig and Zag). But “Kirbys House” is a terrible terrible song with some terrible terrible lyrics.

If you want a quick review of “Razorlight – Razorlight” and not a one word review, or a 1000 word review, take my next paragraph and run, you’ve already read over 600 words of me bitching and I am sure that’s quite enough. Christ, there’s pizza reviews below to keep you satisfied.

“The album starts with a dredful drum fill, pedestrian guitars, lazy lyrics and lacklustre singing, and continues in the same vein for the next 42minutes. If their first offering was punchy, poppy, rocky and vibrant, a great night out followed by a great shag, this album is the equivalent of waking up the next morning in the gutter with your trousers around your ankles with a fat old woman spooning you whilst the used condom lies inches away from your face”

I believe I have surpassed myself here, I will not need to follow up this paragraph with some track by track analysis as they all sound the same. I will leave you with a thought

Your Sheets Are Dirty, the Streets are Dirty Too
J.Borrell 2006 (Wanker)

Pizza Express

2006-12-04T00:17:00.000Z

Shit Bastards, thats what they are, fucking shitbag bastards.

I've only been to PE a few times, i would like to say its cos its shit, but its pretty much been cos i dont eat cheese, see here why.

i make my own pizza's for me and ross sometimes. Smiff will remember my nightmareish tomato ketchup for a sauce with raw onion, sausage and sweetcorn on top, mmm studenty. I am noithing like that anymore, chicken with pesto, peppered red pepper strips and caramelised red onions in reduced balsamic vinegar on a base of sun dried tomato puree with a thin crispy base with herbs. Mmmm freaking ridiculously tasty.

So, back to PE. I normally order pizza's without cheese, its not a problem, you just get more tomato sauce and hopefully a bit more meat to ensure that the crust doesnt burn. This was the case three years ago in PE in Luton of all places, it was a really damn good pizza and i enjoyed it thouroughly. I cannot say the same about the one i had on saturday evening.

Firstly i will praise the starter, it was bread sticks with spicy pepper dip and a red pesto dip, the red pest was great and the sticks were lovely, but it was not a patch on the bruschetta you get in Strada, a competing italian chain restaurant.

The pizza i ordered should look like this with cheese on

the size of the pizza, if viewed on a 14" monitor is probably about 50% of its original size. Thats not just my pizza but every fucking pizza that we ordered. It was tiny. It was less than 12" in diameter, and i paid £9 for it. Fuck.

I ordered the Natale, its a Xmas pizza with pork stuffing, turkey and ham, it was the meatyest pizza on the menu and i was damn hungry after my super cider saturday afternoon boozing.

The sauce was really tart, it was not pleasent with the topping, it didnt compliment it. If it had been a cranberry based sauce it would have been amazing. One of the best pizza's i have ever had was a duck one in Bella Pasta, which had plum sauce as a base, amazing. But Cranberry would have been a stroke of genius, the sauce was terrible.

The sausage meat stuffing was very thin, you get more in an Asda Chicken and Stuffing Sandwich, which when retailed at £1.60 is better value, and i would have rather eaten that than been anally raped by PE. You also get more Chicken in the aforementioned asda sandwich than you do turkey on the PE pizza. If we are relating the toppings to asda sandwiches, you get more ham and chicken in a Asda Chicken and Ham club sandwich at £2.10 than you did on the PE pizza. Plus you get the added bonus of salad, however limp, its still salad.

Moving onto the base, i believe that i mentioned earlier that a cheeseless pizza is easier to burn. Not the case here as is was very very undercooked and doughy, when compated to my friends pizzas it looked as though the cook (he puts ingredients on pizza's, hes no freaking chef) was upset i dint want cheese, so fucked my pizza up good and proper, the wanker. In sandwich terms, it was better than an asda sadwich, but not better than an M&S or Waitrose baguette.

To summise, never ever go to Pizza Express, the bread sticks are overdone (they were, i just didnt want to be harsh on them but i have got angered writing this) and slightly burnt, the pizza was small, bad ingredients and not enough of and it was undercooked to make it a complete mess of a meal, I wouldnt even call it a meal, it took me about 2 minutes to consume. i would have rolled it up into a tube and eaten it in four mouthfulls but being in a restaurant and trying to be polite i didnt, i didnt complain either as everone else seemed to be enjyiong themselves.

I would recommend Zizzi over Pizza Express any day, i have also heard they do a £5 for any pizza takeaway policy, which i will be using this week. If you are more involved than me, find a proper restuarant, an authentic, not chain owned one and eat there, good proper decent food.

Pizza Express can go to hell, or sort their shit out and stop scrimping on size to make the margins and deliver something of higher quality and size, and stop hiking up the prices

What made this even harder to believe was that i watched Heston Bluementhiles food programme on BBC2 earlier in the week and he pretty much took a month to make the perfect pizza, and it looked stunning, with mozarella on i would have eaten it, it was amazing. The heads at PE should have been watching and taking notes, not counting their idiot customers ones in their big houses.

Keith Out

All Day Boozing

2006-12-04T00:06:00.001Z

It Is Awesome

Entering the Pub at 2pm, getting a pint of Bow, to make it a super cider saturday.

With crazy games like Darts Killer, Fives and the non played even though there were proper die for it Mexicana's, it was awesome. Back to Marcus' house and a game of 20+1 played with the enthusiasm of a bunch of netball girls.

I'm sure the pub would have been very happy wiht the amount of peas, cucumber, tomatoes, chips and peas thrown around the place whilst drunken men and women were trying to get the above said items to others drinks.

This is a really lame reviw, its probably because i have to go to work tomorrow, and its midnight and the cricket is about to start.

So i am going to miss out the talking about 4) and 5) and continue to the nights events.

MORE BOOZING, whilst ripping up Bar 38 Fancy Dress Style before headin to Walkabout to do pretty much the same, it was awesome.

I have used Awesome a hell of a lot in this review, its because it was, totally awesome.
Having one of Rolf Harris' two little boys bent over whilst Michael Jackson moved into position to give him a good rimming, captured on camera (not mine, i will get the pic though and post it)
pretty much sums up how random and awesome all day drinking can be

Keith Out

DJ Yoda @ Snowdome

2006-12-03T23:35:00.001Z

DJ Yoda at the Custard Factory in Brum in 2005 was freaking awesome,

Here are a few choice shots to show how awesome it was

Me and Dan look happy enough with me trying to get him to mack some chicks, he didn’t. I did, but failed!

An then, check out the freaking crowd going uber crazay when he drops in some Karma KAmelion or some bollocks like that.

So, the snowdome, it was proper shit.
I’d decided to go out ruined to save on the money, for Saturday. I got a can of Barley Wine, wacked it into a glass and topped it up with some Stella Artois. Its what I like to call Loopy Juice. It certainly was, followed up with Six Jaegermeisters, hell I was c*nted.

The music was lame, you had some old skool funk going on that wasn’t really too upbeat, it went on for two long, and then Yoda was on. They said breaks, beats and funk, all I heard was funk, I wanted some breaks. Rubbish.

Rubbish could also be used to describe the B-Boys & Breakers that were trying to “Bus a Move” on the floor. I got told by Ross that one guy who was pretty much just doing some lame body popping had been doing the same damn routine for the last 4 years. What a twat. Then the rest were shit, pretty much the same old foot movement, and useless floor work that comes from breaking 101. I hate to say it but Jim would have got up there and Served them a Platinum Platter, then I would have shouted “Hooooo, You Got Surved, BURNNNNNN!!!!!” in my most gangsta voice. So, yeah RUBBISH breakdancers.

Back to the music, in one episode of Family Guy you get the quote relating to Bring In The Noise, Bring in the Funk. As I said earlier, the Funk was good, but the noise was quiet. I could have a conversation ten foot away from the stage. The sound was awful and Yoda started off his set with some new stuff, it wasn’t great, it was pretty lame to be honest. Got pretty bored and left.

My advice would be to never ever go to the SnowDome in Milton Keynes for any other reason than to go SnowBoarding.

The sound was shit, the beer was shit, the people were tossers and I ended up having a massive argument with Rich and Shell, becoming the biggest tosser in the taxi queue that night,

Keith Out

Krispy Kreme

2006-12-03T23:11:00.000Z

I watched some programme like Watchdog talking about Krispy Kreme Donuts. They are massive in America, and are just like McDonalds in sponsoring children’s sports activities. It’s a bit hypocritical as they are sugary, fatty, unhealthy foods.
As I don’t get a chance to go to Krispy Kreme and have had my sister work at the local Bakery in Reading, Warings Bakery, I had no need to go to Krispy Kreme.

I freaking love Warings Donuts, the twisty knot one is ace, so is the Coffee Shue Bun, mmmm coffee and pastry and cream.

As you can tell, that’s probably why I am not a skinny little trendy shitbag.

So, with Ross mentioning that there was a Krispy Kreme in MK, I mouthed off about how they were the corporate machine, taking down independent bakeries, and that they were as bad as MickeyD’s with sponsoring kids sports and fattening them up and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle.
He said they were awesome, and then went out on Friday and bought a whole bloody box of twelve donuts and brought them home.

Helped by me, Rich and Shell, they all disappeared by Saturday morning.

They were awesome, really really awesome, and I was very impressed. I suppose its like beer, small micro breweries are great at making beer, but so are the biggest brewers in the world. You don’t get to the top by being shit, unless you are McDonalds.

So, Keith’s final word is, get involved with a Krispy Kreme but make sure you don’t overlook your local bakery

Keith Out

The Weekend

2006-12-03T22:58:00.000Z

After a evening without the internet, and a weekend away i am finally back in the game. The internet game, get in!

In the words of someone "I'm Having a Lovely Time"

I will currently be posting reviews on the following subjects that have made my weekend.

1) Crispy Creme Donuts
2) DJ Yoda @ Snowdome MK
3) Spending All Day in the Pub
4) Pizza Express
5) My Pointy Shoes & Trilby Hat
6) M&S Outdoor Reared Linconshire Sausages

Plus, i have to do the Razorlight Review i have been putting off for like, two weeks

So, i am going to start writing, enjoy your sunday evening

Vix Moonlighting

2006-11-24T17:05:00.000Z

Yes,

not only is our friend Vix moonlighting, she's doing it under a pseudonym, she's now called Carly.

I have the damning evidence here, and as you can see, her and Carlo Robelli on the covers of boxes for guitars in Asda of all places.

Who is this mysterious Carlo Robelli, whats his real name, what is he doing with Carly, are they a mystery couple of runaway latin lovers, or are they just a marketing ploy to get small children to learn acoustic guitar.

It seems we will never know, unless Vix decides to fill us all in on the big secret.

Anyway here she is in her guitar box glory next to latin lover Carlo

Keith Out

Cheese

2006-11-23T18:21:00.000Z

Its Just Bad Milk. Very Bad Milk.

Fact

Lunchtime in Old Orleans

2006-11-23T18:02:00.000Z

Awesomeness,

Man its amazing how a good lunch can make your day.

A good breakfast can set you up for a great day, but it will not make the day great, just give you optimism and a good state of mind to head into the day.

A good dinner can set you up for a great evening. Fact.

But a good dinner can perk up a boring day and give you the required energy, spirit and enthusiasm to have a great day. Thats what happened to me today.

I went for lunch with Pete today, at Old Orleans, in Xscape (where the snowdome is in Milton Keynes) and had an awesome Combo Burger, thats a 6oz Beef Burger and a whole Chargrilled Chicken Fillet with Bacon and Onionrings, in a awesome bun with great chips and a choice of 6 different sauces, great chilli ketchup, steak sauce and dill and pickle relish, mmmm all of the above.

If you were to compare the price - meat ratio in Old Orleans to that of All Bar One then there would be no competition, the food i had today was the second best burger meal bar the one i had last summer at Gourmet Burger in Chelsea.

Not only was the food top notch, myself and Pete got to draw on the tablecloth with the crayons provided. To say that Pete went to town on this opportunity is possibly the understatement of the year.

Have a look at Pete's work here, i think you'll find its marvelous

Now if i were to tell you that Pete did all of this upside down, would you be even more impressed, of course you would. So here it is, Pete did this upside down. Fact

Lily Allen's Gob

2006-11-23T17:21:00.000Z

Its freaking awesome, thats what it is.

No, this is not a review of how great her mouth is and how it could get put to use on me in any kind of "naughty" way. My name is the same as her dad's. It would be wrong. Fullstop. That should have been FULLSTOP CAPITAL LETTERS

Two other ways you won't have thought of are in the realm of

"Who's Your Daddy?!"

and also something to do with the Sheriffs weapon.

So, now thats cleared up i can move onto why she is freaking awesome in a plutonic way.

She hates NME! Awesomeness!

She was on Pitchfork recently slagging them off. Drowned in Sound also got in on the act, well, it is music news, kind of.

So, NME were supposed to put her on the cover along with that fat lesbian from the Gossip and some other women from the "Cool List" just like NME do every year for their cool list cool people.
Once NME's "Award Winning Editor" Conor McNicholas decided to pull the plug and put Muse on the cover Lily wrote in her blog a rant that i will now use as a benchmark for all ranting.
She is now my new hero, and i really beg you to read her rant about NME, my most hated publication.

I am not being sex orientated, but she looks really fit in this picture, really fit

I will only copy one paragraph from her blog, i do not like stealing and i really really urge you to read her whole blog, regardless of what you think of her music.

Here it is, pure dynamite, in Allen, of the Lily variety form

"I don't really think the NME are in any position to tell us who is cool and who isn't , personally I don't think a bunch of people sitting in an office drinking tea , inventing musical genres , and watching Nathan Barley DVD's are leading any kind of cool brigade , do you ?"

further more, i have just had a thought, Allen's all must be related someway back in the past, far up the family tree, and with all that and six degrees of seperation in mind, i can now blame my anger down to being an Allen, as there's now another one from another Allen family ranting as much as i do. Again, more awesomeness

I have also found out that Conor the NME Editor used to write for the dance press, in senior positions for Ministry of Sound and Mixmag.

Now i wonder why NME are inventing a new genre in New Rave when artists such as LCD Soundsystem, The Rapture and Radio4 have been creating dance guitar music for years, as other bands such as Daft Punk did before them. Oh, its cos Conor McNicholas used to work for the dance music press and is a fucking piece of pill popping coke snorting scum who i would not piss on if he was on fire. I would just pour on some more petrol, then i would piss on him, safe in the knowledge it wouldnt put the fire out, and he would be burning alive whilst covered in my piss. I might even take a dump and throw it at his face, who am i kidding, of course i would.

Keith Out

FREE HEROIN ! ! ! !

2006-11-22T21:11:00.000Z

Seriously!

some bigwig police cheif has decided, again, that it would be a good idea to give heroin addicts free heroin on the NHS.

The police say that the scheme, if rolled out nationally would cost £12,000. This is a lot less than the £45,000 of damage heroin addicts cause.
This £45,000 is through burglary, robbery and such.

Its currently being piloted in South London, and aims to reduce crime, take out the dealers and benefit people in the area from less dangerous dealers on the street and less theives stealing to feed their drug habit.

In theory, it sounds like a sane scheme, stop the dealers, stop the need for theft.

Some police cheifs have also added that all drugs should just be legalised which would lead to great tax revenues from the sale of drugs, much like the current taxes on tobacco and alcohol.

There has also been call for the UK to purchase all the opium in Afghanistan which would stop the illegal and dangerous cross country trade of opiates.

The scheme sees heroin addicts going to a supervised station, and injecting with clean needles under the supervision of trained nurses.

My thoughts on the matter. . . . .

. . . .Using trained nurses, people who spent years at university or college to supervise scum injecting shit into their veins, when we have massive problems with the NHS seems like a complete waste of resources. Wouldn't the governement be better off spending the money and utilising resources to reduce waiting times and help honest decent people, not junkie scum.

I also don't think that Russell "I used to be a junkie, it wasn't big or clever (but i'll keep talking about it to make myself seem cool on tv and radio) so dont do it kids" Brand with his high profile and well documented drug abuse history and others in the media, such as that useless waste of junkie space Pete Doherty are hailed by the media and placed up on high by the general public. Is this not some form of freaking mind fuck to de-sensitise us to drug abuse, so it becomes the norm. How many times can Doherty go to court and not get sentenced? Shit, i'd lock him down for as long as possible, throw the book at him, make an example of him, don't let him off for christs sake.

Ross has said, and i quote

Inject them with poison, oh heroin is a poison, inject them with better poison (to kill them), or use syrup

I just cannot believe that something like Heroin use, something illegal, will be given to people. i dont care about peoples situations, you dont choose lightly to take heroin. If you are on heroin, you're a criminal. Wouldnt it be better for the government to utilise resources to stop the problem of heroin getting in and being made in the UK than stopping it and the result, stop the cause, thats a progressive, reactive plan. If you just treat the effect, you'll have to keep doing it. Its not a progressive step, its rubbish.

If the plan kills of the dealers business, why not just use heroin addicts to get to the dealers and then take out the dealers? Makes sense doesnt it?

at the end of the day, if its illegal, you can't give it out for free, it would say that its ok and we'll help you with your addiction, if it were free, would you give heroin a try? definately not.

Why not start with legalising marijuana first, and then see what happens? Liver damage from alcohol and lung disease from tobacco would still cost the nhs more than weed, wouldnt they?

Howard Marks is on Starkeys Last Word on More4 tonight, might be worth a watch

Overuse of Images

2006-11-22T18:51:00.000Z

Yes,

I overuse Mark Ruffalo as a shock tactic. He's just such an easy target.

I promise from now on i will never use that picture of Mark Ruffalo in a tux with a tash again on my blog.

K

What Im Still Listening To

2006-11-22T18:28:00.000Z

Well,

Now that i've done a shortlist for 2006, thought i would give myself some time to re-listen to all of them, and take a look at the songs and albums from 2005 that are still very much listened to and loved.

The first album is one that i only purchased this year, whilst in Amsterdam, at an awesome record shop, the album is
Brand New - Deja Entendu

This has now gone down as one of my favourite albums of all time, its dark, its heavy, its light, its sweet, its emotional, is bold, its bright, its painful, its beautiful and with all this its not just a collection of amazing songs, its a complete album. My favourite songs are

Sic Transit Gloria (Glory Fades)
Me vs. Madonna vs. Elvis
Ok I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't

I have not got any money at the moment and my internet is down, i really really want the new album
The Devil and the God are Raging Inside of Me

Other albums i am still listening to are

Reuben - Very Fast, Very Dangerous
Nine Black Alps - Everything Is
The Subways - Young for Eternity
Death Cab for Cutie - Plans
The Cribs - The New Fella's (with "Live in Leeds" bonus CD)
Tom Vek - We Have Sound
The Go! Team - Thunder, Lightning, Strike

Fuck Me! Bloc Party - The Silent Alarm was only released in 2005. I listen to it ALL THE TIME

Laura Viers - Year of Meteors

and no, i am not going to put the fucking Arctic Monkeys on it, i didnt listen to it last year and i havent listened to it this year, in fact, although i have heard the whole album, i have never listened to it from beginning to end. I refuse to

Any ideas on what yours are. I probably had a skued perspective this time last year, but these are the ones which i still listen to a lot either at home, work or in the car and love very much.

Keith Out

Albums of 06 - Shortlist

2006-11-22T18:12:00.000Z

Right,
I was listening to some music whilst in my car today, just like every other day, but I was inspired to do something about it.
I thought about how close it was to New Years and with nothing to do yet for New Years I thought that I could do something different. Music, towards the end of the year, hmm, a list of my favourite albums from the year, so far.

There are going to be a few sure fire diamonds to be released before the end of the year, and one I haven't yet purchased that will be in there. These are the new Cooper's album and the new My Vitriol album, the Dogs album might be in there as well. The one already out is the Brand New album, yes, the band is called "Brand New"

So, onto the list then. They are in no particular order and will be whittled down over the next few months to a top ten or something. Then in the new year I will confirm this list. I'd like your opinions on the matter as my list seems to be somewhat restrictive and not as expansive as I would have expected it to be, there are far too many mainstream names, I must start diversifying more. Or, it could be that mainstream music is more my taste and that underground is where it should be cos its shit, nah, its just been a bad year.

The Rifles – No Love Lost
Electric President – Electric President
The Kooks – Inside In / Inside Out (sorry, but its really good)
Secret Machines – 10 Silver Drops
A.F.I – Decemberunderground
The Futureheads – News and Tributes
Blueskins – Blueskins
Mogwai – Mr Beast
Boy Kill Boy – Civilian
The Crimea – Tragedy Rocks
Metric – Old World Underground
Metric – Live it Out
Four Day Hombre – Experiments in Living
Get Cape.Wear Cape.Fly – Chronicles of a Bohemian Teenager
Gomez – How We Operate
John Mayer – Continuum
Panic! At The Disco – A Fever We Can't Sweat Out
Phoenix – Its Never Been Like That
We Are Scientists – With Love and Squalor
The Pipettes – We are the Pipettes
Wolfmother – Wolfmother
The Young Knives – Voices of Animals & Men

Metric count twice due to the fact that their first was only released in the UK this year

I have also got to make a list of the biggest let downs of the year, the biggest disappointments of my audible meals. There are only two I can think of so far, and to be fair, if I can't think of big let downs, they aren't a big let down

1) The Zutons – Tired of Hanging Around
2) Razorlight – Razorlight

Zutons
Its bad, so bad, the new single, bad. The first two singles were great, their live set at TITP was great, they have the bulk and the filler to make it a great live show, but their second album is dire.

Razorlight
I don't need more than one sentence to explain why this album is such a let down, that was it, the sentence is now over, this album is shit.

I also want to do one final thing, that's to list the albums from last year and why they are so good and why I am listening to them still. I will do this in my next post as Hollyoaks is on and then I am off to Tesco to get some food for dinner, I am freaking starving, so freaking starving.

In Hollyoaks News – Go Craig!

NME Cool List 2006

2006-11-22T18:10:00.000Z

Right, before i get into my list, here is what i am most shocked about today.

NME.

They still have a cool list? What the Fuck?!
Wasnt that the one Pete Doherty was #1 on, whilst still on drugs? NME praising drug use, never.

I hate NME and everything the Cunts who write it stand for. It is possibly one of the most disgusting and opinionated publications available in the UK today.
It is more vile and disgusting than the Daily Mail, it is more gutter level than The Sun or The Daily Star.
Its fucking appalling.

If i ever meet a NME journalist in the street I WILL FIGHT HIM AND WIN. Poncy drug using journalistic scum.

I will not fight in a pub or club, cos i'll get chucked out and i dont like being torn from my booze.

Its just not right.

If you want some more opinion on this matter, check out

Drowned in Sound Article

my favourite post is the following

"ha ha, i like meg white being in there , shows NME are really grasping at straws"

followed by

"Yep, some of it smacks of utter desperation"

Thats me done, i fucking HATE NME

American Idol

2006-11-22T17:58:00.000Z

Kelly Clarkson?

Hello and Good Evening everyone.

i trust you had a great day at work, or slacking off.

I have been perusing the internet this evening and come across a interesting article on Pitchfork Media.

This is not my main source of musical knowledge, its yank orientated and i'm not a big fan of the layout. Its just being this bored and having read pretty much everything on
i mean come on, thats hot

and so is this

Very Hot

and in a less smouldering way, this one is quite cute.

so, after establishing shes great, when airbrushed, i thinkk we are ready for the whole point behind this blog. I will say please think about not following down to the next picture, i dont want to ruin some peoples fantasies, or their eyes, or put them off their food. So i am leaving a gap so you don't accidentally see it if you dont want to.

ha ha ha that was that cunt Mark Ruffalo. Wanker.

Seriously, here's the american fox looking a little less foxy, more like, Whoah, what happened

What The Fuck? How Did this happen, why god why,

Terrible skin, awful smile, Alien shaped Face, and what the hell is going on with that spot, let along that old man next to her, hold on a minute. . .

. . . . .that mans her husband, no really, husband. check wikipedia you mothers

no, its one of the Minutemen, an 80's punk band, shes recording something with him at present.

Surprising, due to this article i researched another English band, Minuteman, see its a man, not men, and they seem to be back on the scene (its a group of men, but as we've already established the name was already took so dont post and wax semantics or whatever the hell you think you have a right to do) and their album is one of my favourite albums of all time. Fact.

"Minuteman - Resigned to Life"

released in 2001, nothing heard of them since, but reformed for a new christmas charity album, with the likes of Iain Archer (he of Snow Patrol before he and Lightbody fell out and Archer left), Duke Special, Electric Soft Parade, Duels and Envelopes to name but a few. I am so excited.

So, to help your eyes, he's a fitter, airbrushed clarkson to leave you feeling less ill, and maybe more horny or whatever.

My Earnings

2006-11-22T17:47:00.000Z

Now, i am not normally one to rip off other peoples information or attitudes. But today i will compliment someone else.

I was just reading this article

Maddox - Sony

And i have found out that although my current financial situation is diabolical, it is no where near as bad as Sony's Gaming Division.

So, here is my Fact.

This Financial Year I Earned More Than Sony's Gaming Division.

How awesome is that? Very. Fuck you Sony for your lame PS3 Release bullshit.

Right, I'm off to buy a Wii (pronounced Weeeeeee!)

Ellie Crissel

2006-11-22T17:27:00.000Z

She's been the staple hottie that whatever mood i am in, she'll always cheer me up with her perky personality and over enthusiasm and sometimes child like demeanour making her seem more innocent than she probably is, which leads to the next thing. Due to being on before the longest running, most boring but amazing soap in all of history, Neighbours, Ellie should be a students best friend, and the best reason to watch Neighbours twice a day, or just the evening, so she can be viewed presenting Newsround.

Yeah thats right, i am talking about that fittie from Newsround, oh it used to be John Craven, yeah he didnt do it for anyone, even peoples mums or gay dads, what happend to that band, they were awful, probably dropped and only got remembered like i remember them now due to the gaydad name, cos no one wants a gay dad, unless they are adopted and they get a choice. imagine turning up to parents evening and its two dads, getting your two dads to get you from football practice or something. God damn, thats fucked up, i am not against gay marriange, but feel a bit indifferent about gay parenting, its just fucking wierd isnt it? answers on a postcard.

Then it was the blonde chick when i started at uni, she left to go to capital radio, on the breakfast show with Tarrant, he was probably fucking her, the dirtbag. wouldnt you shag around if you were rich and didnt have a tiny penis and were quite good in bed? i would. Russell Brands done alright outta being on heroin and then fucking loads of women when he gets famous, check out Entourage on ITV2 and its true, even if you're not famous and are just linked to someone famous, like you're their fake manager, its gonna mean you get some one well outta your league, like Holly Valence hot.

Onto TV, i will get back to ellie, but really Batman Begins, just watched American Dad and the quote "That was as open as the ending of Batman Begins"

Why, when the whole or Arkham Asyum has just been released, do you go to the fucking joker? Why

Anyway

how hot is she?

so with janae, sky, ellie, izzy and that strangely "hotter now shes a nun than before" girl, carmel and the "she's 16 but in real life she's 19 so its ok" one that stingrays going out wiht, i am always comparing them to Ellie from Newsround

hmmm, tasty

come on, at a childrens tv awards, fit, fit fit fit fit fit

the homely "ohh brown top to stop me looking sexy" thing

and my final one, my favourte from a few minutes searching, which was an absolute pleasure to do, whilst watching neighbours and thinking why does Lou have a tattoo and forgotten a whole week of his life. why is ellie faking cancer? why is Brie called after a cheese and wearing a black wig with black make-up, wierd, and then the blind girl who is gonna do a whole load of trouble when everyone finds out she's the one who should be a rebecci and not brie.

so onto the best on

Oh Christ, Breasts, BREASTS

and a slightly dirtier one, as in fantasy style. I have dreams about this photo

Mini Skirt - Check

Pig Tails - Check

Tight T - Check

All This on Kids TV at 5.25pm daily - Check

Man, Kids TV is so fucking great. I am off to be depressed by the 6pm hole that i cannot find anything to fill, between Neighbours and Holyoaks, with SkyOne i have seen most Simpsons and Malcolm and C4 is so old and there is no way i want to watch Home and Away.

Right, what to do what to do, someone tell me quick!

Russell Brand

2006-11-22T17:12:00.000Z

This is not a critique of his so called comedy, or his presentation skills. I will only comment that his "comedy" girly voice is really not that funny and on BBC 6 Music his constant shouts of "Trevor Eat Your Fudge" really really grates, why the hell is a man who hates fudge funny?

Anyway ,

Its of his appearance. He got some award from GQ for his style, or attractiveness or summit, i dont know, all i remember is some shit joke about poking Rods daughter.
Here is brand looking "Special" i would say special needs and you know the singers name which rhymes with Cunt, James Blunt, well if i had not prmoted you, you could have mistaken Brand for a Cunt

see, looks a bit Blunt like, maybe its the narcotics talking, or boredom setting in.

so my next one, Next being the optimum word, he's like a lame ass greasy Next model with his V Neck Sleeveless T, what a man of Fashion he is

then the last one i will not print cos its too bad for viewing, its a bit like looking at this
fucking Ruffalo, that thin fat bastard, look at his face, its so punchable, you could also take a axe to it.

i will tell thee what is worse than Brands dress sense, this mans dress sense, with no prompting he's in a dress, i mean, its not as good as my dress from the previous reading fest, its a travesty. Plus the pose is not one any regular kid of guy should take whilst dressed as a woman trying to impress other men in the fancy dress tent. Its a worrying piece for our time

its the eyes, he's looking straight to the camera, theres something kind of perverse here, its freaky
well, freaky, but not nearly as freaky as this

nope, i totally take back that last comment, Ruffalo is the worst person in the world of acting, worse that Rob Schneider or Patrick Swayze. Bastards

The Magic of Christmas

2006-11-22T17:04:00.000Z

Right, this might take some time

Myself and Patrick, a new starter at work were out and about not really doing much work as our jobs suck ass. We were driving through Stevenage on our way to a Sainsburys to do not a lot, oh sorry, we were on our way to ensure Compliance, Fixture and Feature style, Availability and to drive in more Stock of Stella Artois 20x284ml. So, en route to Store Patrick spotted something incredible. A Yellow Sign, directing passers by to "The Magic of Christmas"

now, after some laughter, small debate and the desire to indulge in the black arts, no really, the desire to indulge in some christmas magic, we U-ed and were on our way back to see where the sign was directing us. We were on our way, the sign pointing us down a long windy country road where you can drop to third and hammer the company car (with new gearbox (after only 18months, Audi, get it sorted) intact) round some tight corners. Then, the next sign, we were going the right way, yes, excitement was building, i vocalised this and patrick agreed. Into a small village, ohh, is the magic to be found in a small village south of Stevenage? No, but some crazy car parking and appalling driving from oncoming vechicles. Damn, why were they ensuring that the trip to discover the magic of christmas was taking so long? Bloody cars and little villages. Through the village, another sign, get in, after ten minutes we were close to the magic, i could feel it tinging, will there be snow? Santa? Hot Chicks in Santa Outfits like Lindsay Lohan and Co in Mean Girls, no thats a sexy Xmas, not a magic Christmas, but a Magical Sexy Christmas might be on the cards if its like an X Rated one, but they arent allowed to advertise, or there's like a back door into the sexy side of Chrismas, a door marked X hidden behind an elves workbench and guarded by a polar bear who can be lured away by ice cold coca cola in glass bottles, it'd take him hours to open it so i would have time for Lindsay and all her friends, and Michelle Mongahan in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, yeah that'd make an excellent Christmas. So, back to the road trip and away from my wierd sexual fantasy of 20 somethings playing school girls and Monaghan being steaming hotness and Polar Bears with Coca Cola. We saw the turning, i was still excited and myself and Patrick were starting to giggle and i turned the car onto a dirt track. Then Disaster struck. It was on a farm, the magic of christmas was on a farm, sheep, cows, tractors and lots of hay and shit. There was still some hope, cos Magic of Christmas wouldnt be obvious would it, really, it probably would be on a farm south of Stevenage, cos the North Pole would be way to obvious, a farm is the perfect cover up, would you want to go to a farm in the cold and wet, no, wet poo and stinking animals, no thanks, i;ll stick the the Audi and my Air Conditioning and cheap Tesco Suit. Down the path my optimism was dashed, shit christmas trees, really shit, they looked dead, and shit.

A tractor was spotted, some hay storage. Damn, some inflatable santa clauses, crappy lights and some motion activated elf singing. Bastard singing elves.

Photos taken next to the Shit display and something caught my eye "The Magic of Christmas" ENTRANCE

So through we went, Myself first and Patrick following. Christ, a shit store, full of tat at riduculous prices, what utter tripe. Fuck this, walk around to be nice and then get back to the car, get the hell out of the fucking place, back to the warmth of Sainsburys, its the most motivation i have had to get into a supermarket in months. So, my advice, if you see a sign for "The Magic of Christmas" dont go, its a shit storm waiting to happen. But, to conclude in a nice way, whilst going back through the small village with the horrible parked cars, my motioning with hands of which cars should pull into what gaps to let me through working as if by MAGIC, something inside my thought, is this the magic of christmas, directing traffic. Then a big fuck off 4x4 with a mum on route to collect kiddies from school did not obey my motioning and sat in the way, showdown, fuck it, drive on the pavement, well, it was nearly a magical start to christmas. Thank You and Goodnight

Nothing in Particular

2006-11-21T22:13:00.003Z

well, if its not a lot you want, its not a lot you'll get.

Whats with all the hype over james bond, is it me or does daniel craigs eyes look overly icy blue, with his blonde hair, he could be a fucking nazi, not james bond. Thats not all, "ohh we're going back to the start, for a gritty james bond, ohh we wanted to do it but studio rights only just came up" thats total and utter bollocks.
Batman Begins - back to the start of the Dark Knight, gritty, awesome
that did well, shit we'd better get bond going that way cos everyone loved it. wankers, why wont they admit it.

plus, why isnt everything simple.? why do work want so long before you get time offf, cant i jus ttake a day off if i wake up and dont want to go to work, as long as theres no meetings, deadlines or key work to be done, why not let me or anyone take a holiday.

this is probably the worst blog i have ever written, but my bond-nazi line still counts as a valid point, plus he's a cold blooded killer on the chase of some foreigners

The A421 (Part 1)

2006-11-21T22:11:00.000Z

This has become one of my favourite roads in the UK. It has everything a man and his car could want in a road.

1) Bends
2) Hills
3) Roundabouts
4) National Speed Limits
5) Single and Dual Carriageway
6) Lots of Overtaking Places

I start my journey on the A421 just off the A43 between the M40 and Northampton. Its a great piece of road that gives you great view ahead to overtake such traffic as old people, caravans, motorhomes, horseboxes, fiat scientiechentoooononon, tractors, skoda's.
The road then gives less visibility through to the roundabout that links the old a421 (now the A4421) and its new incarnation. This is a problem, if you want to go fast (within the speed limit obviously) then not seeing ahead is a limiter, oh no, there are wide patches with hatching and right/left turning areas, great to drop down to third and nail all those slow coaches, or slow cars.
Then, the best or most frustrating bit, about 2 miles of dual carriageway, great to burn it on, overtaking everything you can. do it, i've overtaken two national express coaches one day, awesome, and even better, a whole motorcycle crew. even awesome-er.
then its shit till bicester, its bloody rubbish. slim overtaking pickings. till the bicester tesco roundabout, get in the right lane, and carve people up. then on the mile to the next roundabout, large hatching area and good views to overtake even more. sheer awesomeness.
from here to the dual carriageway in milton keynes, few chances to overtake unless you are a nutter, or know the lay of the land.

Then, onto dual carriageway through milton keynes, taking in such sights as the largest tesco in europe, my flat, a bp garage and the open university.
here, at the halfway point i will add the views are not good at night, but during the day, pretty good, little housing and nice fields, hedges, countryside. Buckingham is a bitch, but its not the ugliest part of my journey down the best road in the UK. The A421.

Part Two will follow soon

Weeds S02E08

2006-11-21T22:10:00.000Z

Right, Snoop Dogg turns up and starts rapping about MILF weed, rubbish, but a great cameo.
the lady responsible for the weed, and the MILF in question, Nancy Botwin, gets stoned with conrad shepard, who had slept with celia hodes in the first series, who won the election against doug wilson, because dougs manager dean hodes, was too stoned to remember to file an aplication form, even though his wife is celia hodes who beat his friend and fellow stoner doug wilson. Plus Celia is cracking down on drugs in Agrestic (where they live) even though her husband is growing it.

Nancy grows weed and her husband is a DEA officerPeter Scottson, who after having shut down the argentinian cartel who had 4 grow houses on the same street as their grow house, tells Nancy he is going after Heylia who was Nancys dealer before she grew her own, Heylia is also some relation to conrad.

Oh, and after Andy Botwin has already had his toes bitten off by a dog, got fucked up the arse by a fit israli rabi (female, christ shes hot) and then done her properly in bed, decides that cos he has no toes he cant get sent to iraq which was why he was training to be a rabbi, to avoid it, so he stops being a rabbi and his bird leaves him

got it? nope? didnt think so.

Its a great show, get involved with downloading it or getting me to post it to you. think of Saving Grace ( a fucking awesome awesome film) but in a tiny posh community in middle america with someone fitter than Brenda Blethyn in the lead role, and a few gangsters, proper cops and kids thrown in for good measure. i love it, plus hold out for more nudity with sexy women.

Terrible Boozy Memory

2006-11-21T22:08:00.000Z

So, the weekend.

It seems more and more that on a Friday I am more ready for boozing than anything else.

I always have the best intentions not to get ruined, and to try talking to women and not being offensive. It never happens. Then I repeat the steps of Fri on a Saturday night, but start drinking earlier, therefore getting more ruined, and quicker as all Im doing is topping up my levels from the night before.

This normally ends up with hilarious but disastrous consequences.

Anyway, on Sat, after Reading claimed the Championship in style (a 5-0 home win), I went boozing, big time.

Had a chat about being rubbish at remembering names, especially in big groups. I said that using mate was a great one, johno didnt. Working in sales I should know some techniques about remembering names, with clients, customers and colleagues, johno said I should find one out, I decided that I would look into it.

Later On.
I chatted to a girl, bought her a drink, we seemed to be getting on well, and when Im hammered I never get on well with a girl (its normally where the disastrous consequences come into effect). I also laughed at her male friend who was trying to protect her, from bad men chatting her up. It was like a lapdog, plus he was short, fat, and wearing a plain white tent, sorry, t-shirt (quality wise, looked like a primark special). What is with these men ruining attractive womens nights out. They get in my way; they get in most mens way. Pisses me off. But also amusing when the girl doesnt want them around.

Anyway, try to get her number on my way out of the club, and cant remember her name, not a clue, reason, she didnt tell me and I never asked, even funnier was she knew my name cos my mates used it. If someone says their name begins with N, I would assume it was Natalie, or Nat. When told no, I was surprised, Nicole, Nicola, Nicki, still no, Natasha. Jackpot. But it seems that 5th time lucky was not good enough. So my question, if a somewhat longwinded one is..

Why the hell is knowing someones name so important?

God Dammit.

Tinkerbell in "Hook"

2006-11-21T22:02:00.000Z

Man, anyone who says that julia roberts isnt hot in Hook is gay.

Fair enough, she can look shit in movies, and real life, come on, hairy armpits, rubbish.

But in Hook, not when shes got the gingery curls, when shes got the old straight hair and elfin/fairy fitness with awesome legs, totally hot.

I fancied tinkerbell when i saw hook on a ferry over the Guernsey when i was very very young, watching it now she hasn't lost anything. if anything, i think its hotter.
sexy times, sexy times.

anyway, what a great great film. i havent seen "Neverland" the new film that had coldplay clocks in the trailer, my sis bought it but it was broken.
but this film is ace. the only fault is the "you killed RufiO so you must die" then pans daughter says "lets go home daddy, hes just a mean old man without a mommy" so pan doesnt kill him.

HE KILLED RufiO man, KILLED HIM and KIDNAPPED his CHILDREN, and need i point out KILLED RufiO.

Fucking kids man, pan should have slaughtered hook, as hook slaughtered RufiO just like Romeo, Tybalt and Mercutio in that power triangle. Holy shit,
Peter Pan is Romeo, Hook is Tybalt and RufiO is Mercutio.
Man, Shakespeare's work is just so great, who cares if he ripped it off others, its so brilliant.
plus, what the hell was Gweneth Paltrow doing playing the role of Wendy, man that was wierd to watch today.

I also cannot fault Hook and Smee, Dustin Hoffman and Smee are awesome in this. and Maggie Smith, awesome, awesome.
and then Bob Hoskins being a road sweeper and robin williams waking up next to the pan bronze statue in london, ah awesome. this along with Back to the Future Parts I and II, the end of series two of lost and the first two episodes of season three, and the newest how i met your mother and heroes, its a fucking great sunday. the bonus is i had a subway in teh fridge from last night to have for lunch and am still pubing about in my underwear.
so, what a great film, a great sunday. brilliant.

New Bed Set

2006-11-21T21:59:00.000Z

From Asda

Its Dirt Cheap but. . .

. . . . .look how cool it is!

the other side is just as good

SHIT!
Thats
MARK RUFFALO
sorry for offending your eyes with this travesty of a human being and even bigger travesty of a so called "actor". Cunt
here's my other side of my bedsheet, it was not worth your Ruffalo viewing i am afraid, but it will cleanse your eyes of all things ruffalo. i should stop saying ruffalo, you might start thinking of mark ruffalo, the ruffalo, or just, ruffalo subconsciously and see his movies, yes a ruffalo movie. what a tragic event that would be. Never Ever see 13 going on 30. SHIT RUFFALO BASTARD

see i told you it was awesome, where as ruffalo is not.
I am awesome, ruffalo is not. fucking RUFFALO
If you enjoyed Ruffalo, you should Read my "Keith Reviews , , , , Mark Ruffalo" blog entry

CUNT

Comic Book Chaos

2006-11-21T21:58:00.000Z

Right Smallville is taking freaking big liberties on Graphic Novel Superheroes, their AlterEgo's and finally, their Friends.

1) Oliver McQueen (Green Arrow)

He's now appeared in Smallville season 6, the actor Justin Heartly plays the character who's a billionaire by day and a robin hood lookalike with a variety of "special" arrows (like nets, glue and christ knows what Mort Weisiner came up with)
But he leads a double life. Even though Aquaman appeared in season 5 of Smallville, played by Arthur Curry, Heartly played Aquaman in the Gough and Miller (smallville creators) Pilot of the Aquaman series.

slightly messed up
and secondly although smallville has thrown up Seth from the OC, Kelly Brook and Martha Kent is played by the actress who played Lana Lang in Superman III, one other has hit my second
spot on smallville fuck ups.

2) Jimmy Olsen is played by the actor who is Iceman/Bobby in all 3 X-Men movies, ARGHHHH how can you do Marvel and DC and be different people and ARGHHH it doesnt make sense.

Brunch

2006-11-21T21:57:00.000Z

Right lets get this straight

Brunch is Girly or Gay

How though

Lunch is manly, and fine

Breakfast is manly and fine.

Keith "hey ross, lets go grab some breakfast"
Ross "Cool, lets go"
Keith "hey ross, lets go grab some lunch"
Ross "Cool, lets go"
Keith "Ross lets go grab some brunch"
Ross "GAY"

You know it makes sense, but why.
1) Horses, they are great and manly, they compete as tremendious athletes, are big, and will kick your ass if you walk up behind them. They also love Polo's (the mints) and they are great

2) Horns, they are great and manly. The devil has horns, raping, pillaging, murderous Vikings had horns and shit, they were manly

BUT put the two together and what have you got, a fucking unicorn. Mother of God is there anything girlyer or gayer than a freaking unicorn?

NO

And i tell you what, being naked from the waist down is the worst kind of naked, its bad naked, you can't even be that kind of naked walking around your girlfriends bedroom, its just plain wrong.

Harold Ramis Films

2006-11-21T21:56:00.000Z

This guy is amazing. check out the stella line up of writing credits.

Animal House
Caddyshack
Ghostbusters
Groundhog Day
Analyse That.

Awesomeness, plus he's writing with Owen Wilson on a currently untitled project. The man is a freaking L E G E N D check out the acting credits too

The Last Kiss
High Fidelity
As Good As It Gets
Groundhog day
Ghostbusters

plus he directed Caddyshack and Analyse This and That

I want to meet this man and shake his hand. Ghostbusters II might not be as fucking amazing as the first one, but look at the performances he's gotten outta Bill Murray in Caddyshack, fucking amazing, best character, he even outshines Chevy Chase

What about John Belushi in Animal House
and what about James Belushi's performance in "taking care of business" awesome
and MJ Fox in "the secret to make my success"

80's films are great. get involved

Confetti

2006-11-21T21:55:00.000Z

Right, lets get this straight from the start, whenever i review anything, its pretty much gonna involve me ripping on it, however good.

So you'd expect this review to be me just ripping on the British Comedy "Confetti".
Wait and see.

So, the film stars some couples that are entering an "original wedding" competition for supposed magazine "confetti"

Queue hilarity
negative, the start where the "i just weed myself" laughs could come involved Elvis, some
Romans and that was about it. Shit.

So the couples that are picked are Jez and Soph from Peep Show (not right pairing them due to success of Peep Show and soph should be with mark). They are both naked. No one wants to see either of their bits, really, no one. theres too much horrible nudity with no comic effect.

Next you have the pube haired doc from Green Wing that was also Adrian Mole, and the crazy lady who gave Jez and superhands a Pub in Peep Show. They love tennis, oh the hilarity of a tennis coach called Jesus whos mildy pretty and pronounces his name "hezeus". utter trip
then, what should be the saving grace, Tim from the Office, also in Love Actually, HitchHikers Guide as well, his lady is Jessica Stevenson, of Spaced and Royle Family. They love MGM Musicals, even more rubbish.

The film rolls along with two Gay Wedding Planners, what a fucking cliche.

Big finish wiht the weddings, you know whos gonna win. They are all tat, it all feels a bit rushed. but wait, there's BRIAN the Artist from Spaced, he's in Big Train, he's simon peggs mate, come on, some hilarity will ensue. Negative, he plays it straight, none of the weddings are funny, close on the winners.

All in all, good cast, shit script, shit acting, NOT ONE FUNNY MOMENT

DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THIS FILM

GO AND BUY THE SPACED BOXSET INSTEAD

IF YOU ALREADY HAVE THE SPACED BOXSET GET THE THREE DISC ONE

IF YOU ALREADY HAVE THAT AND SHAUN OF THE DEAD PLEASE WAIT UNTIL HOT FUZZ COMES OUT. THEY'VE JUST FINISHED FILMING AND ARE CURRENTLY EDITING

STOPPING THE CAPS LOCK now.

Thanks
Keith

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

2006-11-21T21:54:00.000Z

Val Kilmer as a Gay Private Eye - Check

Robert Downey Junior Drinking and Smoking and Macking Hot Chicks - Check

Michelle Monagahanahanahs Naked Breasts - Dear Sweet Lord Check

Guns - Check

Shooting and Killing - Check

Fighting - Check

Blood - Check

Pretty Good Plot and Surprisingly Funny - Check

Car Chases - Check

RDJnr Hanging Off Coffin Off a Bridge - Check

Happy Ending In A Clever Way - Check

Michelle Monahanahanahans Boobs - Check

oh and did i mention boobies, oh yes, yes yes.

So for one final one

Robert Downey Jnr Getting Balls Electricuted Many Times In Torture - Check

Val Kilmer Shooting a Man With Tiny Gun Hides In Pants - CHECK

what a awesome film, and a £3.99 in Sainsburys, FUCKING GREAT VALUE

Made My Day

Dragons Den on BBC2

2006-11-21T21:53:00.000Z

This is what happens every show
0 - 5 mins - Introduction with that strangely skinny army guy

5 - 45 mins - Rubbbish Ideas with Idiots Asking For Stupid Amounts of Money. They Don't Get
It

45 - 60 mins - One Lame Idea Gets Their Dreams Raped By Big Money Men Taking Control Of
Their Tiny Useless Company.

Seriously, has anyone heard any business from the first series do anything good? Anyone bought a good or service from a firm on the first series, possibly.
Will anyone do the above from the second series, certainly not.

Keith Out

King Arthur

2006-11-21T21:52:00.000Z

"The Clive Owen Film"

The film starts with some pube haired little kid going off to serve for romans. He'll be gone 15 years.

Skip forward 15 years, ytes, 15 years, what a rubbish start, there was no need to show that fucking shite about the pube haired boy
That pube haired kid wasnt even the pube haired Clive Owen, aka King Arthur.
Bad start.

Didn't get why Romans were there, i remember in that cartoon about Valiant and the knights of the round table, didnt have any romans in, i have even got it on dvd, i'll double check it later, but no romans

Problems with the scotts, it was all a bit Braveheart in reverse, but without an american, at least Clive Owen is English and King Arthur is english, shit no, they say Arthur was Roman, but Owen is English, oh thats just confused me, nothing like the cartoon or books when i was a kid.
Then Knightly, the Keira, yeah, shes hot but she looks like shit in this travesty. Plus, her character isnt even a character, shes a posh blood thirsty, christ actually i dont know what the hell she is, she's a cross between a feral animal and a posho. then a wedding at the end, shit off.
Ray Winstone does manage to do well, he plays Ray Winstone. Brilliant.
Ioan Griffid as Lancelot, see got it wrong earlier, its was Lancelot, bugger. can't be arsed to go back and change it, i just got so fucking angry with how shit the film was. Anyway, he was shit, and he gets killed, so do many people, in really rubbish ways.
So many flaws, the round table is more of a ring, with an empty middle and some flame thing inside, and its massive, too big for the knoghts of the round table. Plus he wasnt a king.
And, what was with Excalibur, a fucking awesome mother fucker of a sword, remember the sword in the stone, what a great cartoon, just sort of ignored that, either that or they went over it in some gay ass flash back when i was in the lav (peeing). tat
I could go on cos it has pretty much ruined my life. But one more thing i need to write

THERE WAS NO FUCKING CAMELOT AND NO MISTICAL SHIT AND MERLIN DID SHIT ALL MAGIC.

Mother Fucking Shite.

Touchstone Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer, and Buena Vista, and everyone on the cast list, you mother fuckers. i hate you

Mark Ruffalo

2006-11-21T20:56:00.000Z

Christ, whilst doing research on Mr Ruffalo i came across a website that said Peter Saarsgard was our generations Mark Ruffalo.

If his performances in Garden State and Jarhead are anything to go by this may be the case, as they both seem to play THE SAME BLOODY CHARACTER IN EVERY FILM THEY ARE IN.

Got that wrong, its the other Sarsgaard. Dammit

Ruffalo has however played a cop in Collateral, but he was a rubbish cop, and all you thought was when's he gonna try and get the girl, whilst being lame, useless, pathetic, but a nice guy and in hollywood movies at present, nice guys dont finish last, they get the girl and the moviescript ending.

I am divulging from my point. I am reviewing Mark Ruffalo, how is he so old but looks so young in "the view from the top" he's like 37 in that film, and looks thin when stubbled and tanned on his boat when he makes his entrance, but reverts back to the cleanly shaven wanker he always is. How does his weight fluctuate so much, its probably because you always want him to look fat cos hes got a fat face, and hate that he's fucking rich. I am stoned so cannot articulate my agression and hatred properly right now. so instead i will just post this picture. It pretty much explains him, my review of mark ruffalo is the following.

CUNT

Burgers in "All Bar One"

2006-11-21T20:51:00.000Z

Firstly let me say what i believe to be the holy grail of burgers. Gourmet Burger in Chelsea, its freaking awesome. FACT.

So with that passed, onto "All Bar One"

The set up involved being tired and a bit hungover needing food around 2pm today. after an awful failed attempt to go to the pub last friday evening, we (pete) drove to the pub for a nice late lunch and pint.

Burgers all around.

The result

1) not enough chips

2) bread was too cold

3) the one massive lettuce leaf was a bit rubbish, so i ripped it up so it fitted

4) the £1 I spent on extra onions was a good idea, but not worth a quid

5) no real range of sauces, like you get in Ha Ha Bar or Old Orleans, i am very much a sauce lover, so that was a shame

6) quite interesting that the waitress wanted to know how we wanted our burgers done, they were not big enough for it to matter

7) the burgers were too small for £8, thats not good meat for money ratio

8) the beer i drank was ace, Edelweiss, very nice

9) having the Beano in there has ruined it, i read it and its not as good as it used to be, OR it was always that bad but i used to be an idiot child.

10) the bun was the correct size for the burger

11) the burger (although too small) was well cooked (i.e. not burnt)

12) the onions (although not enough) were really nice

so, in my opinion, a better than average wetherspoons lamb burger, but not big enough and a bit costly for what you get.